에세이 토픽 번호가 없어 구체적으로 질문이 무엇인지 모르겠군요.
그래도 약간 의견을 붙이면,
첫째, 에세이의 구조가 균형이 맞지 않는군요.
에세이 전체 길에에 비하여 서론과 본론 2번째 paragraph가 넘 길고, 결론과 본론 1번째 paragraph가 넘 짧습니다. 이런 것두 감점 요인이지요
둘째, 논지가 불명확합니다. 님이 이야기하고자 하는 바가 명확치 않습니다. 본인이 생각하는 바를 일관되게 주장하고, 이에 대한 구체적인 예나 근거를 제시하는 것이 중요합니다.
셋째, 유형을 잘 몰라 단정적으로 이야기하긴 머하지만, 결론에서 귀하의 의견이 없습니다. 서론도 비슷하구요. (단순비교-comparison-문제가 아니라면 본인의 의견이 있어야 겠지요.)
넷째, 표현 등도 어색한 곳이 있지만, 의미적으로도 조동사를 활용했으면 좋겠군요.
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┼ ▨ 첨으루 엣세이써봤어여;;혼자서 comparison essay랍시구 써봤는데 평가좀; - 공부가시러요--(coolois@hanmail.net) ┼
│ 주제도 제가 정해봤구염;; 제능력껏 시간맞춰서 써본건데염;;- -;;정말 허접하지만 평가좀;;
│ 첨 글올려바요...늘 두려움이앞서네요..
│ 어떠한 상황에 놓여있다라는 표현을 placing in situation 이라하면 한국식 표현이될거같아
│ the opposing nature 로 했는데 암만봐도 정말;;억지로 짜넣은거같구..ㅠ.ㅠ;;어색어색 4.0도 못받겠죠?;;
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│ Two kinds of military systems
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│ All countries have a military for defending themselves. Each countries
Every military has two kinds of enlistment methods. I want compare Korean with American military. Nowadays Korea is trying conscription system, and America is trying drafting system. These two system’s differences are affected by the opposing nature of each country, the economy level and military equipment.
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│ I think the opposing nature of each country affects their systems. Korea is the opposite of North Korea. Also Korea has been besieged by many countries which invaded Korea. So if Korea operates drafting system, nobody apply for military, because their life can’t be guaranteed by dangerous situation. But America is placed in safety zone than Korea. America doesn’t worry about invade by another country. So they can retain many drafting soldiers.
│ Also the economy level is affected by these systems. If a certain country wants trying drafting system, they have to retain a lot of money, because they presents to soldier’s advantage. Who wants to go to military without good options? Like this Korea doesn’t have enough money to trying drafting system so Korea is trying conscription system. Maybe anybody already knows about America’s rich and power. So I leave out their example.
│ The amount of military equipment is a result of the economic level of each country. Korea doesn’t have enough vanguard so they need many soldiers. The vanguard equipments can reduce soldiers, but Korea doesn’t have. So they had to carry out conscription system. Compare Korea than America has many vanguard equipments so they can reduce soldiers therefore America has better situation for try drafting system than Korea.
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│ If some country wants to try drafting system, they should make ready many things: the suitable situation, the economy level or military equipment. I think everything is related. We can’t reduce one of these conditions.
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