총평 : 전체구조는 괜찮으나 본론을 전개 할때 부족한 점을 보완 하세요
점수 : 4 점
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┼ ▨ # 11 푸른소나무님 부탁드려요~ - 토플러 ┼
│ 011- Topic
│ Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion
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│ There is a saying "a sound mind in a sound body ". It means that studying without any exercise is useless. Also for students, to have better works or scores, good heath is essential. When I was a college student, I and my friends had wished we had a bigger gym and more sports activities. Because we didn't have enough chances to exercise in the university( =>이 부분이 본론의 topic sentence 가 될만한 내용을 쓰셨야 했는데). So I agree that Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries.
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│ First of all, in these days, health problems are getting serious for students(=> topic sentence로서 조금 약합니다).
│ Long-lasting studying without exercise, convenience food and driving instead of walking make students become fat and unhealthy. In my case, I used to go to the gym near my university, because my school's sports facilities didn't have enough room for every student. But it was inconvenient to go to outer gym, so I hardly went there(내용전개에 unity가 없습니다).
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│ Secondly, an atheletic meet in the university make students feel a unity and learn sportsmanship. Students can compete with others and get to know each other more closely through this. For example, I played as a baseball player in the atheletic meet, it gave me not only fun but also an opprtunity to know cooperation. (내용전개는 괜찮으나 표현이 약합니다)
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│ In conclusion, to promote health and learn a unity or sportsmanship, we need more activities. Universities can give us this chance through sports facilities and atheletic meets. For these reasons, I strongly insist that Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries.(잘 쓰셨습니다)
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