분량은 적당한 것 같습니다. 기본구조를 바탕으로 조금 부족하다 싶은 부분만 파란부분으로 첨가를 해 보았고 뺐으면 하는 부분은 ()를 쳤습니다.
================================
┼ ▨ 에세이.. 평가해주세요.(예전셤 4.5점) - 에세이.. ┼
│ 84. Some people say that the internet provids people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to so much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with? Use specific reasonns and examples to support your opinion
│
│ As Information technology has been developed, (the use of) computer became popular and a necessarity all over the world. Among the young people, the internet is one of the most common communication methods. There are some reasons that the internet is prevalent to the people.
│
│ First, Internet provides valuable information. It is useful (to try to)when we need to get a knowledge to solve a mathematics problem (which we don't know before). When we put the just one clue word into "search" in internet, it provides a lot of related information to reach the answer. Internet is useful to complete our homework or researches.
│
│ Second, Internet makes people (become) close(r). Some websites give a chance to meet friends who (have not know the news)couldn't get in touch with them for a long time. Because many people use internet, it is easier to find friends. Also, we can talk with foreigners by using MSN messanger, provided by Microsoft. So we can share our (thinking) own culture with foreigners using it in our room.
│
│ Thrid, Internet (gave)provides (more recent)daily news (quickly). Most websites have news parts like newspaper, and they update more new things quite often. People can get much information quickly. <== 바디를 두개만 쓰시고 빼셔도 될 것 같습니다. 차라리 바디 첫번째에서 additionally,~~해서 이 부분을 첨가하면 어떨까 싶습니다.
│
┼ In conclusion, Internet gave us a lot of advantages. We can access to a web site through internet to get much information easily and quickly, and improve the relationship among the people. I hope that the more people would share these merits as much as possible. ┼