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A lot of people think that getting advice from friends who are older than you themselves is better than getting advice friends who are the same age. However, I disagree with this statement. I believe that Because, it is less useful and they who are older friends usually want to get some reward when they are giving advice to younger friends usually. To begin with, getting advice from friends who are the same age is better than getting advice friends who are older than I. because friends who are older than me experience another situation (해석이 안되는, 어법이 틀린 어색한 문장입니다). But However, friends who are the same age experience go through similar situations. So Thus, getting advice from the same age friends who are the same age is more useful in our situation. Let me explain my personal experience as an example. When I was in college, back in California, I went through similar situation. At that time, I was studying for my final exams so As I have a final-exam, I was stressed stressful. And I did not know what to do. So I tried to get a advice from my friend who are was older than me. But However my friend experienced another a different final exam. Bbecause he was a senior. But I was a sophomore at that time. So it does did not helpful for me. Thus, I changed my mind, I decided to get a advice from my friends who are the same age. Advice from my friends was very helpful. At the As a result, I could get a nice score. Likewise, As same age friends take same experience and situation, it would be getting advice from them is more useful.
Moreover, friends who are older than me, usually, want to be rewarded such as, little present and money It is very stressful for us (us가 누구인가요?). For example, according to the survey conducted by NYU’s research department, 87 percent of participants who had an experience of that giving a advice to younger friends answered that frankly, they want to rewards from their friends. Tthis survey shows to us that it is conventional in our life. To sum up, getting a advice from older firiends friends is less useful because they experience different situation. And Also, older friends make a stressful situation. because, they usually want to rewards when they giving give a advice to younger friends. So I argues that getting advice from friends who are the same age is better than getting advice friends who are older than I.
항상 감사드립니다. 좋은 하루 보내세요!
Score: 14 Comments: - 전체적인 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- So, but, and로 문장을 많이 시작하고 계십니다. 셋 다 쓰지 않도록 해주세요. therefore, thus, on the other hand, however, also, moreover, in addition 등을 대신 써주세요. - 제시하신 두번째 이유는 큰 assumption같습니다. reward를 왜 older friends는 원하는데 same age인 친구들은안그런건가요? 그것을 설명해주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 그렇지 않으면 조금 억지스러워 보입니다. 혹은, reward를 줌에도 불구하고 왜 그들의 조언을 듣는 것이 중요할까요? 아니면 reward를 안준다고 했을 때 그래도 동갑내기 친구의 조언이 더 좋은 이유는 무엇일까요? 조금 더 적절한 포인트를 찾아 설명해주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. - 본론1과 본론2 길이를 맞춰주세요. - 본론1에서 예시 설명이 많이 길어지고 있습니다. 너무 구구절절 설명하면 감점을 받으니 주의해주세요. |