▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, job plays a significant role
in people’s daily lives. Some people think that the most important things of a
job is the money, while do not think like this while others disagree with such topic. Both sides may have their own
reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one opinion, I would
say that office hours are more important than money. There are several reasons
as follows.
To begin with, moderate business hour is
the most important aspect of a job. Money is just a way to buy something, and
priceless things such as happiness with family is more valuable in people’s
life. For example, my younger brother worked hard to earn much money. Even he
often worked until night. But he loss not only the time for meeting his
friends, but also his health. But he changed little by little changed gradually after reduce reducing his
office hours. Although he earned less money before then, he got a healthy
mental and body. Also, he spends much time for his family and meeting other
people. He realized that the business hour has a greater effect on people’s
life. Without this experience, his relationship with others and health would have
been getting worse have gotten worse.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that the advantage of less work far outweigh those of earning much money for
the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of the balance
of work and life cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of happiness in life. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 주제에 대한 접근 방식이나 각 예시들의 이유를 서포트 하는 과정에 있어서는 아주 잘 서술하였습니다. 하지만 문제가 되는 것은 이유가 하나기 때문에 설득력이 부족합니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분은 본인의 에시를 가지고 상대방을 설득 할 수 잇냐 에 대한 것 입니다. 이러한 부분에 있어서는 이유를 하나만 서술하였기 때문에 부족합니다. 따라서 두 개 이상의 이유를 서술해주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |