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Some people might claim that reading books at one’s leisure is more informative at one’s leisure than watching movies. (순서를 바꿔주셔야 더 자연스러워요)However, this perspective is highly doubtful for two following reasons on which I am going to elaborate. From my point of view, I fully feel that watching movies is more beneficial for people in order to spend their time meaningfully. meaningful time. First of all, watching movies in spare time allows people stay healthy. (Health는 건강, healthy는 건강한 이란 뜻입니다) What I mean is that, today’s people spend most of their time at school or in the workplace, so they can get stressed out easily. This is because they have no time to take a break away from their academics or strenuous tasks. Thus, they need to spend time doing something else, such as watching film, listening to music or exercising, at least in their free time to get rid of stress. Moreover, the high level of stress is one of the major factorscauses of severe sicknesses through the weakening of the immune system. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2003, a test on rabbits showed that life span was shortened when they perpetually went through series of electric shocks. Interestingly, the researchers found a connection between this and human beings who suffered from periodic stress. This implies that high stress levels coming from lack of relaxation can negatively affect people, causing a shorter life span. On top of that, viewing films makes people have more quality time with their loved ones. In detail, movies serve as an excellent way to gather families and friends in one place to relax, enjoy a common activity and eat delicious snacks. According to a survey done by the University of Vienna in Austria’s research department, an overwhelming 79 percentage of participants answered that they were in favor of the idea that watching movies together with one’s family members or friends has a positive impact on their relationship. This is because through this shared activity, family members can have a rare chance to bond as well as they can laugh out loud together at funny scenes and share their views about the films, which is not easy in today’s fast-paced world. To sum up, watching movies enables people to keep in shape by releasing their worries. Moreover, they are able to have valuable time with their loved ones. In this regard, I strongly believe that to watch films is more helpful for people to enjoy their lives rather than reading the forms of written materials.
Writing 0-30 Scale Score: Good (24) Overall Comment: 좋습니다. 글의 포인트를 잘 잡아주셨고, 근거도 매우 잘 대주셨어요. 흐름도 매끄럽고 설득력이 좋습니다. 다만 문법 오류들 (위에 지적해 드렸던 것처럼, 복수형태 및 조금 더 자연스러운 표현, 문장 구조)만 고쳐주시면 더 좋은 글을 쓰실 수 있을 거라고 생각합니다.
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