▶ Your Answer :
The majority of people in their early
and mid-twenties think that saving money for the future is better. This notion, however,
does not reflect the stance that I hold and should be thought in a different
light. I believe that spending
money for vacations and traveling is better because it enables people
to broaden their perspectives and enjoy a better quality of life. (travel은 동사입니다. Traveling으로
바꾸셔서 명사로 바꿔주세요)
First, spending money for vacations and traveling allows people to broaden perspectives. Interestingly, it has
been a topic on various social network websites such as Twitter and Facebook
where people hold different opinions. Initially, I thought that saving money for the future was better. However,
after reading relevant Tweet feeds, I realized that people could not broaden perspectives if they
did not spend money for vacations and traveling. This is because they would lacked the chances to
experience many different
countries' cultures. This was
enough to change my initial thoughts and I learned that spending money for vacations
and traveling is better in order to broaden perspectives
Second, spending money for vacations
and traveling allows people to enjoy a
better quality of life. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in Korea
published an article in The Korean Herald last Tuesday, which claims that spending money for vacations
and traveling is better in order to enjoy a better quality
of life. His study was particularly interesting because it supported my views. The
article claimed that 62 percent of 200 Korean people preferred spending money for vacations and traveling as the most
preferred way of enjoying a better quality of life. This is because, as
mentioned above, students could not only broaden perspectives, but also could relax
during their vacation time. I thought of this report because the results
of the survey resonated with my thoughts.
To sum up, it is better for people to develop many
different skills for following reasons: (develop many different skills? Did you copy
paste from somewhere else?) broadening
perspectives and
enjoying a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view
cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the
reasons I have mentioned above.
Writing 0-30 Scale Score: 23 (Fair) Overall Comment: 문법적인 오류는 많지 않습니다. 포인트도 잘 잡아주셨고요. 다만 마지막 문단을 보니까 다른 글에서 복사해서 붙여놓기를 한 것 같은 느낌이 났습니다. (결론을 지어야하는 마지막 문단에서 본문과 아예 상관이 없는 결론을 쓰셔서 감점을 드렸습니다.)
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