▶ Your Answer :
There
might be some people who believe that the government
should decrease its spending on parks and public
transit. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for two subsequent
reasons: gaining children’s gaining of responsibility
and decreasing air pollution.
To begin with, government funding for parks can
help children gain a sense of responsibility. It is obvious that many sports
clubs are held at parks and participating in the
sports club requires children to have obligations such
as abiding by rules or managing the time schedule
wisely. Through the consequences that arise from negligent actions, the
children can learn the importance of obligation. For example, my youngest
brother, David, was very lazy and selfish. However, after he joined a baseball
sport team which was opened at park nearby home, he started to
change slightly more and more. (굳이 안 넣어도 됩니다) He
realized his laziness through the baseball team and even encouraged
other team members who seemed to be goofing around. He learned a way to be more
responsible to avoid unnecessary hardship. In this sense, he learned the
importance of responsibility through the baseball sports
team, playing at the park.
Moreover, government spending on public
transportation will play a significant role in reducing air pollution. It is
obvious that the use of public transportation can decrease the number of car
drivers as well as reduce the gas emission. When the government
and individuals take responsibility and actions to decrease activities related
to gas emission, they can solve pollution problems. For
instance, Guri, a city in the Republic of Korea, make made
public transportation fee as a free in order to increase the use of
public transit. As a result, a large number of people used public transportation
such as bus, subway, or train and it reduced gas
emission. In this regard, the air pollution problem in the city was solved
quite quickly.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that government
spend less money on art due to because
it not only helpings children to
gain a responsibility, but also decreasing decreases air
pollution.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale Score: 12 (Limited)
Overall Comment: 포인트를 잘 잡아주셨습니다. 다만 문법적인 오류가 많습니다. the와 같은 전치사 사용에 미숙하시고, 명사가 복수형태일때 s를 붙여주시는 걸 잊으시는 경우가 있으신 것 같아요. 또한 전체적으로 글의 논리가 조금 부족합니다. park / public transit에 투자를 줄이면 안 되는 이유는 설명을 하셨지만, 반대로 생각하면 art에 왜 투자를 줄여야 하는지는 언급을 안 하셨어요. 마지막에 결론에 갑자기 '따라서 art에 덜 투자를 해야 한다.' 라고 하셔서 논리적으로 흠이 많았던 글이었습니다. |