A variety of opinion may exist over the argument that students can learn more effectively with the help of the Internet. As far as I am concerned, I completely agree that the advent of Internet improves improved (advent=‘출현’은 과거에 한 번 있던 사건이니까 현재형으로 쓰면 이상하죠. development, spread처럼 현재까지 쭉쭉 진행될 수 있는 사건이면 현재형으로 써도 됩니다.) the effectiveness for students to learn. The following two ideas can be valid evidences to back up my opinion. First, students can save their time and effort. Second, students can ask questions to others without meeting them in person.
To start with, students can save their time and efforts by using the Internet. To be specific, there are a lot of websites, which include great amount of information. It means that students do not need to go to a library to find information. Also, there is no guarantee that the library where they go has the information that they are looking for find. In that case, students may waste their time and efforts. For example, my house was far from a library. One day, I went to the library because I needed to find some books relating related to my assignment. However, there were not any books which I was looking for I found. It would not happen if I found information on the Internet. This anecdote shows how important it is for students to use the Internet.
On top of that, students can get answers to their questions without meeting others in person. As I already mentioned, there are many kinds of useful websites on the Internet. Thanks to these websites, students can also get advice from people who have professional knowledges in their fields. In my case, when I was in a high school, I needed to build my background knowledge to conduct experiments. I searched on the Internet and found some useful websites. I could contact to a professor by sending an email and ask some questions. He not only provided me with useful researches that solved my problems but also told me techniques for experiments. This contributes with my insistence that students can learn more effectively thanks to the Internet.
To sum up, students can save their time and efforts by using the Internet. Also, they can ask questions and get answers without directly meeting others. In this regard, I totally side with perspective that students can learn effectively thanks to the advent of the Internet.
Writing 0-30 scale
Good (25-26)
전반적으로 매우 잘 쓴 글입니다. 두 point를 잘 설명했고, 문법 오류도 없습니다. 다만 일부 표현이 어색해서 본문에 수정했습니다. 동사의 의미를 잘못 파악한 경우도 있고 (find), 동사의 능/수동(relate), 시제 (improve)가 어색한 경우도 있습니다.