▶ Your Answer :
Some people argue that governments should spend more money improving
public transportation than expanding access to the Internet. However, in my
opinion, this perspective is not true (true/false를 가르는 문제가 아닙니다. 본인의 선호/선택을 답해야죠.)
for two following reasons which I am going to elaborate.
To begin with, the Internet makes process of sharing faster. In detail,
the Internet allows frequent exchange of ideas, information, and opinions
within shorter time. Nowadays, people tend to exchange them through the
Internet at home instead of face-to-face. Thus, I think developing public
transportation is not necessary (앞선 문장과 이
주장 사이에 큰 논리적 비약이 있습니다.) and widening access to the Internet is
more effective. Take Steve Jobs, for instance. He is was the founder of renowned
company, Apple, who, and he made remarkable accomplishments in his
lifetime. He was referred to as a genius and a visionary by the public. In his
speeches, Jobs repeatedly emphasized importance of the Internet advancement.
Such comment sounds highly convincing since he is a well-known man of success. (이 문단의 point와 예시가 전혀 동떨어져
있습니다. Point: 인터넷은 생각, 정보, 의견의 공유를 촉진한다. 예시: Steve Jobs가
인터넷을 발전시켜야 한댔다.)
In addition, the Internet enables people to gain knowledge and to
develop creativity. If governments broad access to the Internet, people can use
the Internet easily and frequently, so this help people to increase their
knowledge and creativity. In other words, the Internet can make possible to possibly
increase intellectual capacity of people. Also, it is important to have wide
range of knowledge and creativity to excel in today’s competitive society. Take Warren Buffett, for instance. He is a globally
recognized CEO and an investor. Listed among Time’s 100 Most Influential
People, (불필요하게 장황합니다.)
A globally recognized CEO and investor, Warren Buffett
mentioned the importance of knowledge and
creativity in an interview. Thus, (의미상 부자연스럽습니다.) I believe the
Internet will help people develop knowledge and creativity.
On the whole, I
believe I have accurately demonstrated my point of view on this matter with two
concrete reasons and evidence stated above. Since
views of life and values differ among individuals, it seems this subject will
always remain controversial. (본인
글의 설득력을 깎아내리는 문장입니다.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair(17-23)
영어 구사 능력은 비교적 괜찮아 보입니다. 일부 어색한 문법 및 표현은 본문의 첨삭을 참고하세요. 하지만 글의 설득력과 논리적 완성도가 크게 아쉽습니다.
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