Some people do not think that it is
sometimes acceptable to infringe upon people’s freedom. However, in my opinion,
infringing upon people’s freedom should be acceptable. This is because
considering all factors makes people tired and sometimes,
there are some situations that need require to
sacrifice personal freedom to gain bigger
advantages.
To begin with, considering all factor
causes people to be tired. To be specific, these days, we live in a complicated world, where all things interact with
each other. In other word, it is virtually impossible to think about all
possibilities that can interfere with other people’s freedom. There is a good
example for this situation. Think about the a situation that is
in a university’s
lecture classroom.
In class, if you ask a professor some questions, you should consider other
students’ time. This is because other students’ time can be wasted without
their acceptance. Is this reasonable? (그래서
질문을 하라는 것인지 말라는 것인지? 문단이 너무 중구난방입니다.)
Students should solve their curiosities by asking questions
to a professors questions
because it encourages them to develop in academical field. Like this situation,
if we think about other people’s freedom too much, it is tired to live in
contemporary society.
On top of that, there are some situation that need to sacrifice freedom to gain bigger advantages. To be specific,
protecting other people’s freedom causes us to behave timidly and it prevents
our society from progressing. To progress in a
industrial aspect or political aspect,
many situations coerce us to sacrifice our freedom. For example, after the Korea war Korean War,
the country’s surroundings of South Korea were very terrible. Many people died
due to war and famine. People’s houses and main facility
facilities were destroyed by North Korea. After
that, the government decided to develop without considering the public’s
freedom. In addition, Many people agreed with the government’s
thought decision
because they should had to reconstruct their country. Most of people had to work all day to restore their
country. Inevitably As a result, South Korea has been a strong country that has
great with a solid economy. If the
government had considered people’s freedom, they could not have reconstructed
their nation.
To sum up, considering
all factors makes people tired and there are some situation that need to
sacrifice freedom to get larger positive effects. For these reasons, I think that it
is sometimes acceptable to infringe upon people’s freedom.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair(17-23)
주장을 뒷받침하는
두 point는 잘 설정하였습니다. 그런데 각 문단의 논리 전개가 깔끔하게 이루어지지 못하고 중구난방입니다. 문단의 모든 문장이
하나의 topic sentence를 향해 일관된 논리로 집중되어야 합니다. 문법과 표현상 부족한 부분은 본문의 첨삭을 참고하세요.
|