▶ Your Answer :
The given topic of whether people are
no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office buildings is
thought-provoking. Although some people think that it is a bad rule to prohibit
smoking in public areas and office building, I believe that banning smoking in
public places and office buildings is a good rule for the following reasons.
First of all, people who smoke in
public places and office buildings affect negative impacts on health of non-smokers. Admittedly, there are
many negative repercussions on second-hand smoking, such as increasing the rate
of getting cancer. In this respect, it is better to ban smoking in public areas
and office buildings for non-smokers’ health. According to a renowned professor,
it is evident that second-hand smoking is harmful on people’s health. Regarding his research, many people suffer from
second-hand smoking and die from it every year. 위의 내용과 별로 다를 것이 없는데, 좀 더 구체적인 수치를 만들어주거나 교수이름을
언급해주는 등 더 자세한 내용이 들어가면 좋겠습니다. He also goes on to say that it
becomes serious problems in the world, and it is necessary to prohibit smoking
in public places and office buildings for non-smokers. ->smoker 자신에게 피해를 줄 뿐 아니라 공공시설을 이용하는/building안에 있는non smoker들까지 이러한 심각한 피해를
보기때문에, 정부 차원에서 이를 금지해 non smoker들의
권리를 보장해줘야한다-라는 식으로 마무리해주세요
Second, it is a good rule not to
allow people to smoke in public places because students easily mimic the
behavior of adults. To be specific, young students are very curious and they
like to follow the harmful habits of adults without any judgement.->추가로, 공공장소 등 많은 사람들이 이용하는 장소에서 담배를 피게되면 어린 학생들이
이를 쉽게 접할 수 있으므로 따라하게 될 확률이 높다-는 말까지 넣어주세요 For example, one of my friends
started smoking after she watched a smoker in a park. She told me that the
smoker looked cool, and she also wanted to be cool by smoking. She did not have
any good judgement regarding whether her the behavior is good. These days,
however, she regrets mimicking the smoker and starting to smoke mimicking the smoker at that time.
To sum up, smoking in public areas
and office buildings causes harmful consequences on non-smokers’ health and young students. Considering all
of these reasons, it is a good rule not to allow people to smoke in public
places and office buildings.
Writing 0–30 score
scale
Fair (17-22)
내용들 자체는 설득력 있는데, 좀 더 구체적으로 non-smoker들의 건강과, 어린 학생들의 교육적 측면에서 “공공장소 흡연”은 나쁘기 때문에 금지하는 것이 좋다-라고 명확하게 근거를 밝혀주면
좋겠습니다. 또한 첫 번째 사례에서는 앞 부분의 근거 설명과 그다지 차이가 없는 내용이므로 더 구체적으로
설명해주시고, 두 번째 사례에서도 어릴 때 시작한 흡연이 그 친구에게 어떠한 나쁜 영향을 미쳤고, 따라서 지금 후회한다-라고 말해주면 더 좋겠습니다.수고 많으셨습니다^^ |