▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that children parents should be devoted
more time to doing schoolwork with their parents children. However, I personally
disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. First, parents
should relieve their children's stress. Second, a relationship between children
and their parents can be improved by playing games or sports together. First, parents should help their children relieve their
stress. This is because children have so many things to do for their future careers,
so they already have a huge amount of schoolworks and homeworks. Therefore,
they are stressed enough and parents' help (on what?) can make the
situations worse.<-parents’ help라는 표현보다 더 구체적으로 설명해주세요 According to a recent research done by Korea University, children who do
schoolwork with their parents are likely to have more stress than who do not. <-결론보다, 왜 그러한지를
설명해주는 것이 더 중요합니다(왜 그들이 더 스트레스를 받았나요?) This clearly shows it can give children more stress for their
parents to devote their time to doing schoolwork with their children. Second, parents can improve a relationship between their
children by playing games or sports. To explain, children are so busy with
their schoolwork due to the competitiveness of today's society, so they don't
have time to play with their parents. As many people already know, playing
together is very important to a family.->why??왜 중요하죠? 같이 play하는 것이
어떻게 가족간의 관계를 더 좋게 만드나요? Let me bring
up my personal story as an example. When I was a child, my parents played many
kinds of games and sports with me and my brother. By these activities, I could
understand my parents and love them more and more. All of my family members
love each other so much until today, and I think it is because playing with my
parents improved our relationship. In conclusion, it does not only relieve children's
stress, but also improve their relationship for parents to play with their
children. In this regard, I firmly believe that parents should devote a lot of
time playing games or sports with their children. Writing 0–30 score
scale Fair (17-23)
주제문을 그대로 표현한 부분이 종종
있는데, paraphrase하여 바꿔서 설명해주는 편이 좋겠습니다. 또한
근거나 사례를 제시할 때, 모호하게 표현하거나 결론만 말해주는 경향이 있는데, 중요한 것은 이것이 “어떻게, 왜” ~~한 장점을 갖고 ~~한 효과를 가져오는지를 설명해주셔야합니다. 문법 실수는 전체적으로 잘 없는데, 경험을 설명할 때 문장 표현이 단순해지는 경향이 있으므로 더 다양한 고급 어휘를 사용해서 설명해주시면 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |