| |
| |
|
There might be some people who believe that people living
in rural areas can tend their family better than those who live in urban areas.
However, I personally disagree with the above idea. There are two reasons for
my opinion. (이유들을 소개하세요. This is because… )
(예시를 설명하기 전 주장에 대한 논증,이유들을 설명하세요) To begin with, in
particular, Korea, where I was born and live now, was a poor country at the
time Korean War. But it has rapidly developed over the few decades. In the
process, the gap of life style between urban and rural areas has widened. .(생략하세요.불필요한 디테일입니다.) Since
technology development, people who live in urban area are under the benefit of
technology development more. So, most of people in urban can do their work at
home, which means they can have enough time to take care their families. (어떻게 urban people이 가족을 더 잘 take care 하는지 구체적인
디테일 쓰세요. 예= They can do their work and
enjoy their lifestyles while living close with their families) For example, my sister, Laura, has been
working at home since she had been pregnant. She said requesting home-working
to the company is not such difficult matter these days. However, my uncle
couple living in rural area needs to commute to long distance every day because
the rural company doesn’t
have the system of home-working yet. Therefore, they(who is they?) feel negatively in having a baby.
On top of that, as such rapid development of our country,
the income gap between urban and rural area also have been greater. So there
are not many working couples in urban
(areas), which means one
of couple is able to look after their family. According to a study by MBC, one
of the Korean public broadcasting stations, the frequency of family activities
in urban area has continued to grow. This study pointed out that just one
person working culture in urban area allows these activities with family
because one of the couple can spend their time with family even during the day.
This clearly shows that people can take care of their family better because
they divide the role of the family in urban.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment: 에세이에 결론이 없습니다. 결론을 꼭 쓰세요. (요약-맺음말) 그리고, 이유들이 비슷합니다.
(able to work at home and take care of family) 다른 이유들을 선택하세요. 그리고 주제에 벗어나는 경향이 있습니다. 토플 에세이가 urban area 하고 rural area의 경제에 대한 디테일이
많습니다. 생략하고 이유에 대한 구체적인 설명을 더 쓰세요.