▶ Your Answer : Some people argue that teenagers are more influenced by
their friends than anyone else, while others do not. Both sides may have their
own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that
teenagers are most affected by their friends. There are several reasons as
follows. First and foremost, teenagers are more susceptible to peer
pressure than anything else. If a teenager is not recognized as a member of a
peer group, he will have difficulties in making friends and feel depressed and
lonely. To promote a relationship with friends, the teens are likely to share their emotions
and opinions with one another and even mimic their friends’ behaviors. For instance, a survey carried out
by the Seoul National University illustrates this. The survey participants were
asked who the most influential group was in their teen age. The results showed
that 79 percent of the participants answered that friends was the most
influential group at their teen age. This is because they tended to become
somewhat similar to one another as a result of striving for participating in a
peer group. This implies that friends have the biggest influence on teenagers. On top of that, teenagers usually spend most of their time
with their friends. Considering the fact that most teenage people are students,
they study and hang out with their friends in school for most of the day. When
teenagers are with their friends, they are naturally impacted by friends’ thoughts, behaviors and personalities. Take
Carlos Ghosn, for instance. Ghosn, a globally recognized CEO of Renault and
Nissan, mentioned in an interview that the most influential person at his young
age was his friend in high school, Saul Niguez. He could exchange a lot of
thoughts and emotions on their future with Niguez since he spent most of his
time with him in school, which is consistent with my viewpoint. In conclusion, I have accurately demonstrated my point of
view on this matter with two following reasons and also with evidence stated
above. Since views of life and values differ among individuals, this subject
will always remain controversial. Writing 0–30 score scale Good (24-30)
문장 표현과 어휘 모두 자연스럽고, 문법 실수나 오타도 없이 잘 쓰셨습니다. 근거 내용들도 충분히 설명되어
설득력있는데, 다만 첫 번째 근거에서 사용한 통계자료의 경우 participants들이
좀 더 구체적으로 제시되면 좋겠고, (또는 peer pressure가
다른 요소보다 학생들에게 매우 중요하다-는 것을 나타내는 통계자료이거나) 두 번째 유명인의 사례의 경우 굳이 이 유명인일 필요가 있는가 라는 생각이 듭니다(그 때 친구에게서 현재 사업과 관련된 중요한 가치관을 배웠다는 등 현재 유명인에게 어떠한 영향을 미쳤는지가 설명되면
더 좋겠습니다) 그러나 충분히 각 근거들과 잘 연결되어 에세이가 전체적으로 매끄럽게 읽힙니다. 잘 쓰셨고, 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |