▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that children should not be taught to use
computers at a very early age. However, in my opinion, it is important for
children to be taught to use computers at a very early age.(반복) This is
because it can help them have a lot of resources quickly as well as socialize with
others.
To begin with, learning computer at a very early age enables
children to get a lot of information swiftly. <-information과 뒤에서 설명하는 컴퓨터 활용 능력으로 인한 successful school work는 별개의 것으로 보입니다. In detail, school requires ability of using computers since most
of the tasks should be performed with computers. If they learn how to use computers, they can
access the Internet and make document easily, which leads to successful
school work. Let me bring about my personal experience. When I was 6 years
old, I learned how to deal with use computers. At that time, I
was able to master finding information via the Internet and making document
with word processor program. As a result, I could always earn best outcomes in
school work than those who do did not know how to use computer learn.
In addition, it makes easy for children to socialize with
others, if they are taught to use computers. To be specific, thanks to the introduction introduce of computer, people have changed the way to communicate with others from with traditional
forms to electronic forms to communicate with others, so it <-? will be a great way to
interact with their friends to and build interpersonal skills. According to a research was done by
Korea Board of Education with 100 children, the researchers were
divided the respondent into two groups. The first group consisted of
children who learned to use computers at a very young age, and the second group was did not. They were given the same
direction to measure the ability of social skills. As a result, the first group
indicated superiority than those in the second one. This is because those who
learned to use computers at a very young age were able to build interpersonal skills
and personal connection by making use of computers. -> 표현을 바꾸어서 계속 같은 말(결론만)을 반복하고 있는데, “어떻게” 아이들이
컴퓨터를 통해 소통하고, communicating skills를 기를 수 있는지를 설명해주세요
In conclusion, it is beneficial for children to learn how to use computer at
early age because it will help children have a lot of information quickly and
develop social skills. In this regard, I firmly believe that children should be
taught to use computers.
Writing 0–30 score
scale
Limited-Fair (13-17)
어휘가 전체적으로 단순한 편인데, 좀 더 다양한 고급어휘를 사용하시면 좋겠고 어색한 표현들이나 기본적인 사소한 문법실수가 많은 편이므로 주의해주세요. 반복되는 표현이나 반복되는 내용들도 종종 있는데, 결론만을 반복하기보다는
논리적인 흐름에 맞게 글을 써주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. 특히 첫 번째 근거의 경우 information 습득과 뒤에 컴퓨터 활용능력을 통한 학업성과 는 별개의 내용이므로, information 습득이라는 표현대신 학업 성취에 도움을 준다-라고
표현하는 것이 적절합니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |