▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that there is other way to progress for
a country.<-무엇과 다른 other way인건가요?there
are many ways to~가 더 적절하겠습니다 However, in my
opinion, it is integral for a nation to upgrade its schools. This is because it
helps make citizens who give significant contribution to the country and lead
to a healthier economy.
To begin with, improving school enables a country to foster
people who are capable of making remarkable contribution to society. In detail, if people are
well-educated, a lot of people will learn how government and society work. This
These people will play a
great role in society. For example, my country has invested to educational
system, especially school, to stand out among competitive nations for 10 years.
The governors tracked people who educated from 10 years ago to see
how policy was effective. The result was successful. 모호하게 표현되어 있는데, 결과가 “어떻게”
successful했는지 밝혀주세요This is because
many people were able to learn better than those who educated before the
regime’s investment, which resulted from increased education
budget. Also, they became social workers, teachers, lawyer and
politician after graduated from school, having professional skills. ->이 직업들이 왜 (교육을
덜 필요로하는)다른 직업들보다 더 remarkable
contribution을 할 수 있나요?
In addition, investing school leads to a vigorous economy.
To be specific, in modern world, economic success of a country is more tided to
education. Many industries have become more sophisticated, requiring
well-educated people. Thus, well-rounded people can have a great impact on
industry and economy. According to a research was done by the famous magazine, economist The Economist, which is name of magazine, rapid economic growth in China, Korea and Hong Kong is
directly related in to investing into school for a long time. ->결과 뿐 아니라 교육에 오래 투자한 것이 어떻게 경제성장에 도움이
되었는지 설명해주세요 This was able to get to
prepare students for their future.
To sum up, the improvement of schools brings about citizens who contribute to society
and results in robust economy. In this regard, I firmly believe that
upgrading school is the most important thing when it comes to the progress of a
nation.
Writing 0–30 score
scale
Fair (18-23)
큰 실수는 없으나, 일부 어색한 표현들이나 기본적인 사소한 문법실수가 있으므로 주의해주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. 또한 위에서 언급했듯, 결과가 모호하게 표현되어 있거나 잘 드러나지
않는 부분들이 있는데 구체적으로 결과를 설명해주시고, 어떻게, 왜
그러한 효과를 보였는지 명시해주는 것이 필요합니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |