▶ Your Answer :
Unquestionably, children’s education plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. There
might be some people who think that art and music classes should not be
required in young children’s school, while others do
not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. However, in
my perspective, art and music classes are necessary for young students for
their creativity and future career.
To begin with, students can enhance their creativity by art and
music classes. By developing creativity, students can learn to express
themselves and communicate better with others. Thus, they can promote their
social skills, which can be helpful for their future success. To be specific,
according to Seo-Hyun Kim, the professor of child psychology and education, children who
learned music and art have relatively high possibility to become creative. ->how? Furthermore, the professor
asserts that the more creative children are child is, the better they are at socializing with
others. This statements indicate the necessity of creativity, which can be improved by
art and music classes.
Furthermore, art and music classes can be helpful for their
future career. By having art and music classes, students will be able to
experience more various things besides studying in a classroom. It is very
important for teenagers to have a variety of opportunity in order to find out
their future dream/aptitude. Moreover, many jobs require creativity these days, so
students should learn not only mandatory subjects such as science and math, but
also creative subjects like music and art. Developing creativity can
help students to find a new career path, or can be helpful when they work in
their own fields. .<-creativity에 관한 내용은 윗 문단에 더 어울리는 문장입니다 Let me bring up my personal experience. Before I had a job in
Google, I used to work in Bank of America. However, while I was working in Bank
of America, I couldn’t find any interest from this
field. At that moment, I remembered that I was fascinated by computer arts that
was shown in the art class when I was in middle school. I decided to go to
Google and work on making computer designs. I am still having so much fun
using my creative ideas to make something that I was amazed twenty years ago.
This experience showed me the importance of a variety of experience and creativity.<-creativity에 관한 내용은 윗 문단에 들어가는 것이 더 적절하고, 이 문단은 art, music등 다양한 분야를 어릴 때 경험해봐야
적성, aptitude를 알 수 있다는 것이 핵심이므로, creativity보다
‘적성’에 더 중심을 두고 설명해주세요
In conclusion, I strongly believe that the advantages of art and
music classes in young children’s school
far outweigh its disadvantages. All in all, the importance of young children’s education should not be overestimated in the pursuit of success in
life.
Writing 0–30 score
scale
Fair (22-24)
문법적으로 문제는 없으나 내용적으로
두 근거가 겹치는 부분들이 있으므로, 명확하게 구분되게 설명해주시면 더 좋겠습니다. 또한 본인의 경험을 설명하는 부분이 상당히 긴 편이므로 요약해서 핵심만 전달해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |