▶ Your Answer :
It is
debatable whether one's job is more important for happiness than one's personal
relationships. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this
topic can be different relying on the individual perspectives. In my opinion,
however, I support that personal relationships is more necessary for happiness
than one's job for the following reasons.
First of all, one's personal
relationships is much more important for happiness than one's job because it
helps people learn about building relationships with others.<-주장을 반복하는 것으로 보입니다(“왜나하면 인간관계는 사람들이 인간관계를 잘 맺을 수 있도록 하기 때문이다-“는
말은 어색합니다) <<To be specific, one's
personal relationships create opportunities for people to be happy, which as a
result allows people to learn how to build relationships through communicating
their thoughts and connecting to each other's feelings. Building relationships
is not only great way to develop the increasingly important social,
interpersonal and communication skills but also provides the basis for a strong
network necessary in leading a successful life.>> -> relationship과 이를 형성하는 능력이 중요하다-는 말은 전달이 되는데, “왜” job보다
더 중요한 것인지 직접적으로 비교해서 설명해줄 필요가 있습니다. To illustrates, Bill Gates,
who is the founder of Microsoft, made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I
read online that he was very successful because he was able to build meaningful
relationships as well as networks with people. ->성공한 사람의 사례인데, 성공했다고
해서 꼭 행복하다고 말할 수는 없으므로, happiness와 연결시키는 것은 어색합니다 As this example shows, if
people want to be happy, they should concentrate on their relationships rather
than their job.
Secondly, making personal
relationships helps people relieve stress and
restore health. In other words, personal relationships allow people to be
comfortable, which makes people better manage stress, maintain health, and
build a quality life. Stress is a main cause of
disease and dissatisfying life. So people in modern society should actively
find ways to reduce stress and stay healthy. Job은 주로 사람들에게 압박감과 스트레스를 주는 반면, 인간관계는 삶의 행복에 큰 영향을
미치는 스트레스를 감소시키므로, 행복에 있어서 더 중요한 요소이다-라고
정리하는 말을 적어주세요 For example, I worked at Korea's biggest company, Samsung. Although I had a nice job, I always got so
stressed out because of competing with my smart colleagues at works. So I
resigned the company, and I concentrated on making new meaningful
relationships. Eventually, it was one of the best decisions of my life and worked out
great for me. Hence, this shows that it is more useful to having personal
relationships for happiness than getting a job.
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic
has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our
future.
Writing 0–30 score
scale
Fair (17-22)
전체적으로 사소한 실수들을 제외하고는
문제가 잘 없는데, 에세이의 근거가 좀 더 정리되어 제시되면 좋겠습니다. 두 번째 근거의 경우 두 가지가 대조되어 제시되는 반면, 첫 번째
근거는 근거 자체가 주장을 반복하는 것처럼 보이고, 유명인 역시 ‘성공’과 관련된 사람이어서(본문에서도 great
accomplishment라고 설명했듯) ‘행복’과
직접적으로 관련짓는 것이 어색합니다. 이러한 부분만 보완하시면 더 좋은 글이 되겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |