▶ Your Answer :
There are a various roles
and responsibilities for the government to be followed. As the technology develops due
to the globalization, the government spending on to the internet has biased (어떤 의도의 표현인지? has unfairly Increased
등으로 적절히 대체 가능해보임.). Even though, (쉼표를 쓸 자리가 아닙니다.) this expenditure improved the quality of the Internet to increase the work efficiency, this
should be returned to the original place, to the publics public.
Due to the globalization,
the technology developed. This technology has enhanced the standard
of living by the improvement of the internet quality. Faster speed, stable
connections and persistent speed might be the results from this investment.
People might achieve the task work more effectively without wasting time on physical work. The
improvement in work efficiency will influence in the economic growth. Thus, the
government can meet the globalized standards. To do that, the government may
have to spend a lot of money. (서론에서 제시된 주장과 직접
연결되지가 않습니다. 통쨰로 삭제해도 무방한 문단입니다.)
The government spending
would be needed in various places such as health, education, technology,
science, transportation, property and economy. If the government only focuses
on the internet improvement, other parts of section will suffer from further
development. All sectors are needed the government’s money
for better lifestyles. To meet all these requirements, the government should
not spend too much money on the internet.
In my perspective, since
the government had accumulated the money from citizens in the form of tax, it
should return to the society in a various ways; science,
health, education, technology and environment. All those areas are required a bit of require government’s expenditure for the maintenance and for the improvements. Even though the
internet is on the one of the government’s spending list, the
government must distribute their expenditures across the fields.
In conclusion, (결론적으로~ 라고 했으면 결론을 딱 말해야하는데 이어지는
문장은 그게 아니네요.) the government has been
spending a lot of money for the improvement of the quality of internet. It
could be beneficial for the country in a short term for the faster achievement
of work and economic growth. However, after fields will eventually
require of government’s patronage for the improvement. Therefore,
it would be better to distribute the money throughout various sectors.
Writing
0-30 scale
Fair(20-23)
관사(a/an,
the)를
어떤
경우에
어떤
것을
붙이고
어떤
경우에
붙이지
않는지를 확인해보세요.
본문의
각
문단은
각각
하나의
topic sentence를
핵으로
해서,
그것을
논리적으로 지지하고 발전시켜야 합니다. 또,
각 문단은 글의 주제에 집중해야합니다.
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