▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it could be a the
most effective method for a country to be developed is
to improve its schools. However, in my opinion, I disagree with the idea. The
reasons are that people in today tend to depend on private educations and there
are better alternatives than the given
suggestion.
To
begin with, so many people these days are more inclined to rely on
private education system than public school system. Therefore, even if
governments fund for public school educations to develop their own countries,
it would be a waste of money because people already prefer the private academic
organization. For example, there was a poll conducted by a Korean board of
education with 200 middle school students as respondents. The purpose of the
survey was to understand the consensus view about where they usually obtain
their learning resources. The majority of the respondents replied that they got
a lot of profitable information from their private academy. Since studies
material made in the private academy was more useful and based on big data,
many students thought that the material which they got from the academy is more
advantageous than the one which came from school's teacher.
=> 오히려 지금 상황 (사교육을 더 선호) 에서
improve school 하면 solution을 제공 하는게
아닌가요? 공교육을 강화 하는게, relying too much on
private education 의 해결책 같습니다.
On top of that, there are some good options which are better than improving schools.
Dealing with the financial area is more important in today's world. So many developed
countries already have a lot effort to maintain a good financial state.
Actually the best financial state is correlated with the nation's power.
<- Why? Financial sector 가 왜 더 중요한가요?
For example, Korea was one of the undeveloped countries in the past. However,
after taking a stable political state. The country have invested on the
financial area in an effort to decrease their financial debts. After all, the
country could be an advanced country very quickly and have a powerful financial
influence on other countries. <- 정확히 어떻게 어디에 invest 했고, 이것이 어떻게 나라 발전에 도움을 주었는지 설명
해주세요. Financial development 통해서 해외 자본 유치, 소비 유도 등등.
To sum up, people in today are not likely to
be interested in public educations and there are some more effective options
than improving school system. In this regard, I hold that it is not the best
way to up grade school system for the purpose of developing a country.
Writing 0-30 Score
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Overall Comment : Body
1에서 무슨 말 하려는지 이해는 갔지만 설명이 부족했어요. 투자를 더하고, 공교육을 강화해도 사교육에 더 rely 할거라고 생각 하는 이유
를 밝혀주세요. 구체적으로 이야기 안해주시면 self-contradicting
하는거 같아요. Body 2 에서는 왜 financial
sector 에 투자하는게 좋은지, 그 ‘이유’ 를 밝혀주세요. Example 은 구체적으로 써주세요. |