▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe
that the extended family is also important now, while others do not. Both
sides may have their own reasons to support their views. However, if I
had to choose one, I would say that these day, the extend family is
very important as well. There are several reasons as
follows. To begin with, when children live in home with their
grandmother or grandfather, it can contribute to an
increase in children's overall happiness. These days, most parents are very busy with their works,
so they don't have time to take care of their children at a
home. When grandmother or grandfather take care of children instead,
it is likely to prevent children from feeling lonely. Let me bring up
my personal example. When I was in childhood, I often felt depressed and
even lonely because my mother was a lawyer of a law firm and my father worked as an engineer, so I was almost alone at my home. Fortunately,
my grandmother relocated moved into the
home where I had lived in and she taked took care of me. By
doing this, I was able to get over feeling of loneliness
and I no longer felt depressed. Also, grandmother or grandfather can enable
children to succeed in life. They have more knowledge
than children's parents, because they experienced more many things.
When grandparents advise children who are in
trouble, it can help children correct their
mistakes and improve themselves. For instance, many research
teams, including the Tokyo Research Center, analyzed two groups of students in elementary school. One group consisted of those who had dwelled in home with grandparents and spent more than one hour of
each day with them, and the other group was made up of those who had lived in home without grandparents. The researchers found that the former was more likely to have a higher academic score
than the latter. In particular, the first group showed a longer
attention span, a stronger passion in their tasks, a better ability to delay
gratification. On the other hand, the second group tended to get easily
distracted, procrastinate, and act
on impulse. This clearly shows that grandparents
can help children to succeed in life. Without grandparents, one
would fall behind. ->굳이 집중력이나 그러한 부분을 언급하기 보다는,
이 문단의 앞에서 조부모님들이 도움을 줄 수 있는 이유가 더 많은 경험이 있기때문이라고 말했으므로,
어릴때부터 많은 조언을 듣고 자라 더 빨리 자신의 잘못을 고치고 바른 가치관을 형성해서 장래에 성공하는 데에 도움이 된다-는 내용의 조사결과가 더 좋겠습니다 All things considered, I strongly
believe that grandparents play a significant role in children for the reasons I
have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of the extended family cannot
overestimated today. Writing 0–30 score
scale Fair-Good (20-25)
두 근거의 내용 자체는 설득력있고 좋습니다만, 두 번째 근거에서 제시된 통계자료가 근거 설명과 확실하게 match되지
않습니다. 위에서 말했듯, 도움을 줄 수 있는 이유가 더 많은 경험이 있기때문이라고 말했으므로, 어릴때부터 많은 조언을 듣고 자라 더 빨리 자신의 잘못을 고치고 바른 가치관을 형성해서 장래에 성공하는 데에
도움이 된다-는 내용의 조사결과가 더 좋겠고, 통계자료를
설명하는 부분이 상당히 긴 편인데 핵심만 요약하여 설명하는 편이 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |