▶ Your Answer : Some people argue that people were less friendly in the past. However, in my opinion, people in the past were more friendly due to the following reasons. First, small community formed in the past allowed people to have stronger bonds with each other . Second, less competition made people to cope with one another. First of all, in the past, people were not only doing their tasks but were also skilled in social interaction as they formed a small community. By having a small community, people knew each other better in depth than now. As there were not so many people, and as most of the people stayed in one region for a very long period, this meant that people formed a strong relationship like "a big family". A survey was conducted to distinguish the difference between modern days and in the past. 100 participants of age over 50 joined to answer the following question : Do you know about your neighbor as in the past?. Most participants responded no. They explained that they lacked interaction with their neighbors unlike in the past. Moreover, they said that connections, strong relationship has disappeared among people. Thus, this proves that people in the past who knew about each other better were more friendly. Second, people should admit that fierce competition in our society forced people to become more contentious against others. Nowadays, people try to acuquire outcompeting advantages over other candidates in the job market, which also led to individualism. People fight to gain their own needs rather than providing help to others as their are too many candidates with not so many jobs available. Consequently, the difficulty of finding suitable and rewarding jobs made people become more competitive. For example, in the past, people did not have much ambitions of becoming competent over others. Those who did practiced agriculture to sustain life, often helped other families whenever they needed help. They were friendly as they thought everyone needs to benefit in order to keep a non conflicting village. However, this isn't the case now. People must gain advantage by competing and winning over others. Thus, this explains that people are less friendly than before. In conclusion, the reasons stated above fully elaborates the reason in which people because less friendly. (결론이 너무 부실해서 글의 균형이 많이 무너집니다.)
Writing 0-30 scale Good(24-26) 자신의 주장을 지지하는 point를 적절히 선택하고 설명했습니다. 문법 면에서 흠 잡을 데가 크게 없는 글입니다. 그런데 오타가 빈번합니다. 사소해 보이는 실수라도 반복, 누적되면 감점 요인이 될 수 있습니다. 조금 더 꼼꼼하게 글을 작성하고, 완성한 뒤에는 반드시 다시 읽어보는 시간을 가지세요. 충실한 본론에 비해 결론이 부실한 것이 아쉽습니다. 균형 잡힌 글쓰기를 위해서는 간단하게나마 결론을 맺어주는 것이 좋습니다. 주장을 짧게 요약하고 각 point를 한 줄 정도로만 정리해도 충분합니다. |