Some people argue that companies should always
strive to improve their emplyee's (employee’s) job skills. However,
in my opinion, companies should invest on other areas such as providing
different activities (activities), or improving facilities rather than
to imrprove (improve) their employee's job skills to increase
productivity. This is because it is more important to reduce employee's stress
and there are convenient working facilities for the workers.
First of all, investing more money to improve
employee's job skills would be a pressure for the workers. Thus, it would be
better to provide regular activity programs such as sports where workers can
find emotional relief. By doing regular exercise provided by the company,
workers will work without stressing out. Regular exercise will help employees
to temporarily forget about their burdensome work and reduced stress would inprove
(improve) the productivity of the workers, which would be beneficial for the
company. At this moment, I would like to talk about my personal experience.
Every morning, I wake up early and get through congested traffics in order to
arrive at work. When I arrive, I have numerous documents to read and to make
matters worse, I need to cope with my subordinates and bosses. This routined
life is very stressful. As a way to avoid this, I join the badminton club every
sunday (Sunday) with my coworkers. By regularly doing the exercise, I am
able to relieve tension and through this enjoyment, I can also better prepare
for the upcoming days. This means that the productivity has increased by doing so.
Thus, it is always better to improve activities that employees could
enjoy rather than just (improve) their job skills.
Next, providing better facilities for the workers
is better as improved facilities would enhance employee's work skills. In
companies, people use various electronics such as computers to send emails with
each other. As communication is a crucial part of working for employees,
improving the facilities would lead to better working conditions for the
workers. For example, a survey from KWO was conducted, with 1000 participants
of employeed (employed) people. The question was : What are the
difficulties at work places? More than 70 % of the participants responded that
facilities should be improved as they were having various hardship
(difficulties) to communicate with coworkers, making the work much harder.
Thus, by improving the facilities of the company, workers would be provided
with an adequate working situation, which leads to better job skills without
even investing to improve job skills.
In conclusion, the companies should not invest to
improve emplyee's job skills for the reasons stated above.
Grade : Fair (18-23)
Overall Comment : 기본적인 스펠링 실수와 적절하지 못한
어휘의 표현들이 많이 발견되고 있습니다. 또한 결론에서 전반적인 내용의 정리와 주장에 대한 언급이 다시
나오지 않아 미완성인 듯한 느낌을 줍니다. 적절한 어휘표현과 문법, 그리고
서론-본론-결론이 명확하게 구성될 수 있도록 연습해주세요.
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▶ Your Answer : Some people argue that companies should always strive to improve their emplyee's job skills. However, in my opinion, companies should invest on other areas such as providing different activties, or improving facilities rather than to imrprove their employee's job skills to increase productivity. This is because it is more important to reduce employee's stress and there are convenient working facilities for the workers.
First of all, investing more money to improve employee's job skills would be a pressure for the workers. Thus, it would be better to provide regular activity programs such as sports where workers can find emotional relief. By doing regular exercise provided by the company, workers will work without stressing out. Regular exercise will help employees to temporarily forget about their burdensome work and reduced stress would inprove the productivity of the workers, which would be beneficial for the company. At this moment, I would like to talk about my personal experience. Everymorning, I wake up early and get through congested traffics in order to arrive at work. When I arrive, I have numerous documents to read and to make matters worse, I need to cope with my subordinates and bosses. This routined life is very stressful. As a way to avoid this, I join the badminton club every sunday with my coworkers. By regularly doing the exercise, I am able to relieve tension and through this enjoyment, I can also better prepare for the upcoming days. This means that the productivity has increased by doing so. Thus, it is always better to improve activities that employees could enjoy rather than just their job skills.
Next, providing better facilities for the workers is better as improved facilities would enhance employee's work skills. In companies, people use various electronics such as computers to send emails with each other. As communication is a crucial part of working for employees, improving the facilities would lead to better working conditions for the workers. For example, a survey from KWO was conducted, with 1000 participants of employeed people. The question was : What are the difficulties at work places? More than 70 % of the participants responded that facilities should be improved as they were having various hardship to communicate with coworkers, making the work much harder. Thus, by improving the facilities of the company, workers would be provided with an adequate working situation, which leads to better job skills without even investing to improve job skills.
In conclusion, the companies should not invest to improve emplyee's job skills for the reasons stated above. |
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