▶ Your Answer :
In
our globalized society, it is widely believed that parents should set rigorous
rules for their children. Some people advocate that strict rules made by
parents may help their children to succeed. However, I disagree with this view.
I strongly believe that children who interfered by their parents cannot make
great accomplishments. This is because first, it is easy for children to get
stress and second, they can hardly build relationships under strict rules.
First of all, parents do not need to set
strict rules because it triggers an increase in stress levels. To be
specific, setting a time criterion that children should come back their home
gives rise to children’s wrath, which prevents them
from managing stress, maintaining health, and building a quality life. Stress
is the main cause of disease, dissatisfying life, and shorter life span in
general. As such, parents should actively provide their children with ways to
reduce their stress and stay healthy. To illustrate, when I was young, I had to
come back to my home until 9 p.m. and do my homework. I extremely got stress
from my parent, so I decided to go out of home and lived in a dormitory. As I
was unraveled from my parent, I was able to spontaneously learn how to better
manage time, do homework better, and as a result got a good grade compared to
when I was under the rigorous rule. Through this experience, I realized that
strict rules built by parents do not help children to lead a successful life at
all. Hence, this proves that parents should not set strict rules and interfere
what their children do. <- 아이들에 대한 에세이에서 disease, shorter life span 은
부적절한 내용 같아요. 오히려 stress 를 통해서 아이들
성적 저하, 부모에 너무 의존적으로 된다 등 아이들의 입장에서 설명 해주세요.
Moreover, parents should not set a stressful rule, but make their children be
free because it helps them to learn how to build relationships. In other words, strict rules made by parents may hinder children
from hanging out with family members. On the other hand, spending time with
parents without any rules creates opportunities to socialize, which allows them
to learn how to build relationships through connecting their feelings,
thoughts, and concerns. Building relationships not only is a great way to
develop increasingly important social, communication, and interpersonal skills,
but also provides the basis for networks necessary in leading a successful
life. <- strict rules 와 socialization 의 관계 에 대한 설명 더 해주세요. 자식한테 더 엄격 한다 해서 socialize 할 수 있는 기회를
없애는건 이해가 잘 안됩니다. For instance,
according to a study done by the New York Times, it revealed that teenagers
without interference of rules ware successful. The study indicated that they
could think more creatively and socialize with other people compared to those
who controlled by strict rules. This was because they easily learned how to
share their feelings from their parents and build relationships. Thus, it is
legitimate to say that strict rules are harmful for children to succeed and
embrace relationships.
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument, parents should not set
a strict rule for their children, has been precisely and effectively delivered
with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may
have a huge impact on our future. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: Body 1 에서는 children 입장에서 설명을 해주세요. Stress
를 통한 학업 저하, 성장 저하 등 이야기 하는게 더 적절한거 같아요. Body 2 에서도 strict rules 를 set 하는 것과, socializing 을 막는 것은 다른거 같아요. 관련성이 있다면 설명을 해주세요. |