In the rapidly changing environment of science and economy, scientific discoveries are very significant. There are various disputes over this topic. (이렇게 쓰면 독자는 this topic = 직전 문장이라고 이해하게 됩니다. 문제에서 주어진 주제를 가리키고 싶으면 글에서 먼저 그 주제를 설명해야 합니다.) Some people argue that scientific discoveries should never not be shared among each other other scientists all over the world. (여기서 each other라고 쓰면 some people끼리 share하지 말아야 한다는 뜻으로 이해됩니다.) However, in my opinion, all scientific discoveries should be shared among other scinetists scientists all over the world. (앞문장을 수정한다면 여기서는 be shared. 까지만 쓰고 뒷부분은 삭제해도 좋습니다.) First, many scientists could bring various ideas to develop the discovery. Second, it will enhance relationship between each countries. First of all, scientists have different perspectives on any topics in sciences of science. These various opinions can always lead to a development, like the famous saying "many hands make the light work". Scientists from all over the world have different background knowledge based on what they have learned from their country, base on the climate and geographical features. Consequently, each have different approaches. For example, in 1954, a virus now known as fc3 caused severe epidemic in Europe. This massacred many people including the crop animals. There was no cure at that moment. However, one Chinese biologist had discovered a vaccine based on the epidemic that hit China during 1930s. He found a close relationship between the two diseases. Later , he stated that his discovery of vaccine wouldn't be discovered would not have been possible unless there had been was a similar endemic in China before. (시제가 까다로운 문장이니 각 동사 사이의 선후 관계를 잘 살펴보세요.) This proves that the discovery of scientists must all be shared for it to be developed. Next, in our globalised society, those that are specialists in their fields, should also be skilled in interaction. This is because no task can be done by a single person. Thus, given the need for collaboration, team spirits are necessary qualifications for any success. Clearly, by sharing important scientific discoveries, it provides a perfect setting for countries to enhance their relationship. (직전 문장까지는 개인 간의 interaction과 team work를 이야기하다가 여기서부터는 국제 관계로 주제가 전환됩니다. 전혀 다른 이야기인데 한 쪽에 집중하는 것이 좋습니다.) For example, in 2002, a new organisation called WSEA was founded. Today, both the field of technology and biology have made important achievements. Although this organisation is growing in a small pace, their its achievements by scientists from all over the world allow strong bond between each countries. (WSEA가 무슨 기관인지, 주제와 어떤 연관이 있는지가 전혀 설명되지 않습니다.) In conclusion, discoveries should be shared between scientists from all over the world for better development and for a political reason. In this regard, I strongly agree with the statement. Writing 0-30 scale Fair(23-25) 문법이나 표현상으로 흠 잡을 데는 많지 않은 글이지만, 논리적 완성도가 아쉽습니다. TOEFL 글쓰기는 영어로 글을 쓰는 능력뿐만 아니라, 논리적으로 주장을 전개하는 능력을 평가하는 시험입니다. 특히 본문 두 번째 문단이 하나의 통일된 topic sentence로 모이지 않고, 예제도 주제와의 연관성이 충분히 설명되지 않습니다. 문법 면에서는 한 문장 안에 여러 절이 있을 때에는 각 절마다 동사의 시제 사이의 관계가 어떻게 되는지를 잘 살펴보세요. |