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Some people might say that it's not good to try out
various kinds of jobs before committing to a long-term job. However, I
think we should try to do different occupations as many as possible because it
will help them find what position suits them and gain a lot of knowledge.
To begin with, people often get in trouble when
deciding on their career even after graduating from college. People can find
what job fits their aptitude by working in diverse occupations. This is because
working in new kind of job enables people to gain new experience. In detail,
people attain wider knowledge and broader perspective through experience, so
that they can find adequate occupation which they will work for long
period. (이유와 예시를 다른 문단으로 구별하지 마세요)
For example, my ex-coworker got an office job
first, and then moved to marketing department, but he thought either was right
for him. Finally, he is working(worked) in a design studio for over 2 years, and
he thinks he found his vocation. (예시를 설명한 후 이유와 다시 연결하세요. He found his
true passion by trying out different jobs.)
On top of that, working in different fields enables
people to gain multiple(a lot
of) knowledge and skills. This is very
important because we should have broad range of knowledge to live through
today's highly competitive society. In addition, people
can appeal their diverse knowledge and skills accumulated by their experience
when committing to their final job for living. It could be more advantageous than
other people who has(do not
have this) little
ability.
For example, one of my friends has
been working in many kinds of part-time jobs since they were very young. Owing
to his abundant knowledge and ability, he got (made a) good
impression when he had job interview for a well-known company. Now, he's one of
the (most) credited employee in the company.
All things considered, I strongly believe that
people should try several different occupations prior to be fully occupied in a
long-term job. (이유들을 요약하세요)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 주제를 잘 파악했고 글이 주제에 벗어나지 않습니다. 이유와 예시를 다른 문단으로 구별하지
마세요. 그리고 예시를 설명한 후 이유와 다시 연결하세요. 적절하지
않은 단어 선택과 문법 오류가 많습니다. 결론에는 이유들을 간단히 요약하세요.