A huge number of people want to
succeed without striving. They often tend to believe in luck and want to be
dominated by coincidence since this is the easiest way of being succeeded
succeeding. However, I firmly believe that hard
work has more to do with one’s success than
luck does. This is because people can feel the sense of achievement and they
might fail if they depend on the luck too much. The rationale behind this is
presented below.
To begin with, one who wants to succeed in his life is able to get the
sense of accomplishment. This is mainly because when people overcome
predicament after they put a lot of efforts on their tasks, they could learn
the value of enormous amount of commitment for their lives. They would be happy
about what they have done and pretty much satisfied with it. For example, my
father was born in a poor farmer’s
family with many siblings. He had to support his family as an eldest son of the
family because my grandfather often hit my father and abandoned his family due
to the heavy drinking problem. Against all odds, my father had studied very
hard and became an accountant with reputation. He used to talk to me, “hard working never betrays.” 문제에서는 hard work -> success 영향을 주느냐 에 대한 질문이에요. Hard
work 을 통해서sense of accomplishment 느끼는 것은 이해 하지만, 이것이 success 와의 관계 응 무엇인지 설명 해주세요.
On the other hand, luck is
not entitled for everybody. People who depend on their luck too much may lose
their ways to be successful. This is because the false belief might lead people
to the wrong path. <- 설명을 더 구체화 해주세요. Ex) luck 만 기대해서 노력을
안하고, 게으름을 합리화 할 수 있다 등등 + 도박, luck 에 인생을 betting 한다 등To illustrate, I’ve known my
next door neighbor for a long time. As a bread maker of the family, he had
devoted most of his time to his work, pool service. However, he became to buy
large amount of lotteries -> lottery tickets from
some moment, which made him lose more and more money. His wife was very
disappointed whenever he didn’t win but never prevented
him from purchasing them. As a result, they were bankrupt, had to sell their
house and move to a small apartment. If he had concentrated and worked hard on
his career without squandering his fortune, he would have been able to be a
more successful person.
In conclusion, I strongly
believe that hard working is the best way for one to succeed because people get
to know the value of hard working and they are capable of having less chances
of failure. If you want to succeed for your life, you should not forget “heaven helps those who help themselves.”
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment : Body
1 에서는 왜/어떻게 sense of achievement 가
성공에 영향을 미치는지 설명 해주세요. 본인의 일에 더 깊은 의미를 갖고 motivated 될 수 있다 라던지 생각 더 해주세요. Body 2 에서도
설명 부분을 더 구체화 해주세요. 위에 코멘트 꼭 읽어보세요!