▶ Your Answer :
The aim of education is to
make students acquire acknowledge, cultivate inner capability, and know
what they want to be. In terms of this aim of education, whether universities
should require every student to take various courses outside the student’s
field of study or not is an important subject. Some people disagree with
this argument because of students’ right to choose what they study. However,
taking a variety of courses outside the students’ major has a lot of advantages
in that various knowledge also will be helpful for the study of major, and in
that inner capability of students can be cultivated. Of course, requiring the
students to take various courses outside the
student’s field of study may be compulsory method for students. They have a
right to choose what they want to study, which is an important issue for them
when they plans their future. Therefore there are some opinions that taking
courses outside the student’s major should be elective courses rather than the
requirement courses. But, importance of acquiring wide knowledge is
significantly advantageous, which should not be overlooked. <- Introduction 내용을 반복 하는거 같아요. Repetitive 하기 때문에, 앞 문단과 통합해서 하나의 Intro 로 써주세요. First, universities should provide the students with wide
background knowledge, even outside the student’s field of study. <- Why? 그 이유가 topic
sentence 에 나와야 됩니다. Knowledge’s diversity is always helpful for students, and will be
also important background for studying their major study. Especially, in this
era, where a fusion of study is emphasized, studying only major field is a narrow viewpoint, and the students should study a variety of
courses outside their field of study. < - WHY? For example, in
science field, an academic wall between physics and chemistry is collapsing, and co-workers research the fusion study.
Recently, as a result of fusion, the material “Graphene” is developed by
endeavor of both fields of physics and chemistry. In this point of view, the
students should acquire wide knowledge outside their major. <- 핵심 내용은, 사회가 융합적으로 변하고 있다. 인문학/이공계 경계가 무너지고 있다 등으로 배경 설명 해주세요. Second, educational institute’s role is to cultivate students’
inner capability, and to help the students considering and choosing their
future. Educational institutes
should help the students because they have a hard time determining their future
including what they want to be and what they want to study. In order to help
the students, in Korea, many universities implement various projects such as
employment school where the students can find their aptitude and can determine
their future. And in other universities, the courses of liberal arts are opened
in order to help the students who have a trouble with choosing something. <- Helping students with their future 와 taking course outside of major 의 관계는 무엇인가요? 다른 major 에서 무엇을 배우는지 알고 공부하면 자기의 적성을
더 잘 알수 있다. 이런식으로 clear 하게 써주세요. In conclusion, although the
right to choose what the students want to study should be respected, requiring
the students to take various courses has many advantages. Acquiring the various
knowledge and cultivating inner capability will be important assets for their
future. The students are mankind’s future, and should be encouraged by all
people. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Fair (17-23) Overall
Comment : Introduction 한 문단으로
써주세요. 첫번째, 두번째 문단 같은 내용 반복 하는거 같습니다. Body 전체적으로 핵심적인 내용이 없어요. Body1,2 둘다
Why?How? 에 대한 설명이 부족 해요. 왜 knowledge diversity 가 중요하고, 어떻게 다양한 major 들이 future 에 좋은 영향을 미치는지 고민해주세요.
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