In this competitive society,
more and more people are getting stressed about their work and most of them do
not take-> have
hard time taking a
break or reduce their stress with certain ways. Some people contend that
it is always better to read books during free time to relieve their stress
while others assert that talking with friends and families help them to refresh
their minds and reduce stress from their work burden. In my opinion, I believe
that each individual has must
develop their own way <- 이렇게 general 하게 쓰지말고, specific 하게 한가지 선택 해주세요. of reducing their stress effectively in order
to live a more industrious lifestyle. Like this, the essay will discuss about
different ways of relieving work burdens that all members of the society
incorporates. To begin with, reading books or watching television alone may be
one of the ways to reduce stress. When people read, it helps them concentrate on one subject
and becomes relatively calm which helps them not to be distracted by any other
thoughts. + 설명 더 해주세요. Books/television 내용들이
stress relieve 해줄수 있지 않을까요. For example, some specialists
point out that reading relieves tension of people's brain and is an effective
way of reducing stress. Like this, <- Why? people may read books
alone in a quite place to get rid of any burdensome work load. Next, stress may lead to
insomnia and to prevent this, regular exercises may be helpful. When people exercise, they accumulate
lactic acids and fatigue. This helps them to sleep right away and helps them
keep a balanced sleeping habit which is crucial to reduce stresses.<= Why? 운동의 어떤 부분이 balanced habit 에
도움을 주고, 이것이 왜 stress 를 reduce 하나요? Examples of exercises that is helpfl may
include health training, gardening, jogging and any other exercises that can be
done on a regular basis. This will maintain a healthy diet which will
eventually impact the psychological aspect such as stress.<- 건강을 챙긴다고 stress 가 해소된다는
의견에 설명 / 근거 제시 더 해주세요.
In conclusion, each member of
the society carry different reasons of stresses. Students may be stressed
due to their grades and workers may be stressed by the work
load thus It is significant to relieve stress in order
to develop a healthy lifestyle. In this regard, no matter what types of
ways people use to reduce their stress, most importantly, people must find out
their own ways to carry on their joyful life. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment : Intro 에서 Stress relieving 하는 방식 한가지만 선택 해주시고, Body 에서는 이것이 어떻게 stress 를 relieve 해주는지 설명을 해주세요. Body 1,2 설명 모두
부족 해요. Intro/conclusion 에 신경을 더 쓰시는거 같은데, Body 가 Essay 의 핵심이에요. Why? 에 대한 설명 더 해주시고, Example 도 더 구체화
해주세요.
|