▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that when people consider a major purchase, they make their choice following recommendation from their friends or celebrities, or reviews from online communities. However, I personally believe that people follow information from magazines when they consider a major purchase. And there are two reasons why. First, information from magazines is more reliable. Second, people are too busy to gather lots of information for purchasing.
First, people believe magazines very much. To explain, magazines are made from many experts who studied many things in their field for a long time. Therefore, their information deserves to be trusted, and actually people trust it. According to a recent survey done by Korea University, 80% of the respondents said that they believe the information in magazines. They also said that when they should make a major purchase, they used to find information about that through magazines. 적절한 주장과 설명입니다. 다만 설명이나 사례 내용이 좀 더 구체화되면 좋을 것 같아요. 적어도 서론 문단의 1.5배 정도 분량이 되게끔 해서 균형을 맞추는 것이 좋습니다.
Second, people are too busy to collect information and choose one for a purchasing. People don't have time to ask someone whether something is good to buy or not due to competitiveness of today's society. Actually, people's opinions often goes through a wrong way. Therefore, they just read magazines to get information. 정보를 얻기에 너무 바쁘다는 사실과 잡지를 읽는 것은 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 설명을 더 구체적으로 제시해주세요. Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I should select my car, I was so confused because I had heard so many different opinions from many people. However, after I had decided to read a magazine and got a lot of useful information, I chose a model very easily and I drive my car very pleasantly now. 바쁜 생활 때문에 정보수집이 어려워서 잡지에 의존한다는 주장과는 관련이 없는 사례입니다.
In conclusion, not only can magazines be dependable to get the information, but also they can make people save their time. In this regard, I firmly believe that information from magazines has the greatest impact on people's choice when they consider a major purchase.
Writing 0–30 score scale Fair (17-19)
신뢰도와 시간의 측면에서 내용을 풀어낸 부분이 좋습니다. 다만 아직 문단의 설명 내용이 피상적이고 충분히 설득력을 갖추지 못했다는 점이 아쉽습니다. 내용을 더 구체적으로 설명해서 '잡지의 영향을 가장 많이 받는 이유'를 제시할 수 있게끔 해주세요. 특히 body2의 경우, 사람들이 바빠서 정보를 잘 모으지 못하는 상황에 대한 설명만 들어가 있기 때문에 '왜 잡지에 영향을 많이 받는다고 생각하는지'를 보여주지 못합니다. 사례가 주장과 연결되지 못하는 부분들도 체크해서 수정해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^ |