▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who
believe that these days, working with other people is less critical
than it was before. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the
two subsequent reasons. First, cooperation is needed for global society
like present world. Second, cooperation is more efficient. First, working with other people is necessary for present
world -> unclear 합니다. Cooperation
can effectively solve complex problems. To explain, as time has
gone by, there have been a lot of innovative inventions or findings over
the world. Therefore, an innovation becomes harder and harder. By oneself, it
is extremely difficult to solve current issues. Otherwise, in a group, there
are many different people from diverse backgrounds, which means that there are
a lot of various perspectives that look at the same issue with different ways.
And with these, people can find an innovative solution that could't have been
found if an individual tried to find. According
to research done by Korea University, majority of socially successful leaders
solved their problems with their group memebers as a group. <-
Example 이렇게 쓰는것보다 안쓰는게 낫습니다. 쓰실꺼면 구체적으로, 어떤 group
? 어떤 일? 어떻게 solve했는지 써주세요. Second, working with other people is more efficient than before. These days, it is easier to
gather people who share the same interest with you. Although people should have
group each other face to face in the past, people of today's society don't have
to meet directly because there is the Internet that makes people meet easily in
the cyber zones. <-
이것이 왜 efficient 한가요?
Let me bring up my personal story as an example. When I was in college, I had a
team project that should be done by team members. Though all the members were
too busy to group up and discuss the issue, we could have done by the Internet.
Finally, I could get a good grade. <- 이 내용은 과거에 비해서
group 이 모이기 쉬워 졌다 내용 같아요. 문제에서는
group working 이 중요해졌는지 물어보는거 에요. 모이기
쉬워졌는지 물어보지는 않았습니다. In conclusion, cooperation is
not only necessary for today's society, but also is more efficient than before.
In this regard, I strongly believe that cooperation with other people is more critical these
days than it was before. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment : Body 1 설명은 좋았어요. Example 은 아쉬웠어요. 더
구체적으로 써주세요. Body 2 내용은 Off-topic 입니다. 왜 현대사회에서는 group working/cooperation 이
중요해졌는지 이야기 해주세요. 과거에 비해 효율적으로/쉽게
모여지기 때문이다 라는 논리는 적절하지 못합니다. |