▶ Your Answer :
The given topic of
whether students should be required to exercise at school every day is
thought-provoking. Although some people think that it is better for students to
focus on studying rather than on exercising, I believe that it is necessary for students to be required to exercise
at school every day for following reasons.
First of all, exercising every
day allows students to live a healthy life. To be specific, students can
enhance their immune system by playing sports. It is important for students to
enhance their immune system since it helps students prevent health problems
such as getting a cold. + 이것이 왜 ‘students’ 한테 더 중요한지 설명 해주세요. 공부에도 영향을 주고, 체력이 academic
performance 에도 영향을 준다. As a result, students can enjoy
their school lives and concentrate on studying. My personal experience can be
used to prove this point. When I was in elementary school, I easily got a cold
and often absented from school. Hence, as a way to stay healthy, my parents let
me exercise regularly. Indeed, after exercising several months, I became
healthier and no longer catch a cold easily. Therefore, it is necessary for
schools to require their students to work out every day. <- Staying healthy 이 왜 중요한지 생각 해주세요. 특히, 학생들 입장에서 생각 해보세요.
Second,
students can have a sense of cooperation
and build good relationships with their classmates by playing team sports
at school every day. Admittedly, enjoying fun time playing team sports enables
students to get closer with their classmates without any difficulties and to
learn how to cooperate with others more effectively. + 이것이 나중에 졸업하고 나서 큰 자산이 된다. According to a
renowned professor, it is evident that playing team sports is one of the most
effective ways for students to build good emotional bonds with their friends.
This is because doing physical activities with others allows students to learn
the value of cooperation. In this respect, schools should require their
students to participate in team sports.
To
sum up, students should be required to work out at school every day because
they can lead healthy lives and build good relationships with others.
Considering all these reasons, being required to exercise at school every day
will benefit students’ future.
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Good (24-30)
Overall Comment : 전체적으로 Essay flow
도 좋고, idea 도 좋아요. 다소 아쉬운 점은 확대 해서 설명을 조금 더 해주세요. Student
입장에서 왜 Health 가 중요하고, cooperation 의
의미를 얻는게 왜 중요한지 고민 해주세요. 이런식으로 한단계 더 생각 해보면, 다른
분들과 차별화 되는 에세이 쓸수 있을거 같네요! |