▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that making a decision quickly is more useful
because people can save so much time. However, in my opinion, it is important
for people to take some time to decide something for the following reasons.
People can accumulate responsibility (?) for their future and earn
opinion of adviser.get advices from
other people .->주제문은 “The
decisions that people make quickly are always wrong”이므로, 지금 제시된 문장을 반대로 표현해서 “빨리 결정을 내리면 책임감없이
결정을 내리기 쉽고, 다른 사람들에게서 advice를 받지
못하므로 항상 틀린다-”라고 설명하는 편이 더 좋겠습니다
First of all, deciding problem with enough time enables people
to improve sense of responsibility. This is because people usually
contemplate a lot of possibilities such as expected process, advantages and
final conclusion. Thus, this helps people to understand current situation and reduce a chance to
make mistake. According to a survey conducted by the National Association of
Adult Leadership, those who spend their time selecting options a lot are more likely to get lead to better result
than those who decide instantly ones because they know the expected results events. Not only
that, they can prepare for taking proper action. On the other hand, making
decision instantly made people difficult to expect consequence and they have to
take risky. Like this, people who considered diverse background are
well-trained to prepare for their future as well as are equipped to succeed.
Therefore, their capacity far extend any important situation. ->뒷 내용들(충분히
예상 결과 등을 고려하기 때문에 더 신중한 결정을 내릴 수 있다)이 설득력있으나, 첫 문장에서 제시된 responsibility와는 거리가 있습니다
On top of that, people can gain valuable lessons from older
generation when they invest their time in decision. This is mainly due to the
fact older people already experienced a lot of process in their lives and careers. Thus, they can
induce people to choose better option with informing pros and cons. For
example, after failing multiple time to pass exam to become an English teacher,
my younger sister was extremely stressed out. Moreover, since her friends who
were preparing the exam with her gave up retest quickly, she really
hesitated to do what? for her professional future as well. Meanwhile, my parents
advised her to continue studying to pass the examination again. To
encourage her, they told her the story of how they overcame failure in their own
lives. Because of their advice, she rose to a challenge, passed her exam,
and finally became a teacher last year.
All things considered, it is worthwhile for people to invest
their precious time in making decisions because the experience it gives them responsibility and helps them to decide correctly
when they face a key situation. In this regard, I believe that taking time to
make decision make people's live valuable in order to pursue better level of
lifestyle.->주제문은 “The decisions that people make quickly are
always wrong”이므로, 빨리 선택을 내리면 항상 틀린다-고 생각한다-라고 주장해주는 것이 좋겠습니다
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (18-23)
에세이가 전체적으로 “시간을 들이는 것이 중요하다”라고 설명하는데, 물론 주제에 맞지만 주제문 자체는 “급하게 내린 결정은 항상 틀린다-”이고, 글쓴이는 이에 동의하는 것이므로, 왜 급하게 내린 결정은 항상 틀리는지-에 대한 근거를 제시해주는 형태로 설명하는 것이 좋습니다. (즉 intro에서 말했듯이 “빨리 결정을 내리면 책임감없이 결정을 내리기 쉽고, 다른 사람들에게서 advice를 받지 못하므로 항상 틀린다-“라는 식으로) 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |