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Though the
intense argument is possible on the topic, I strongly agree with the idea that
technology devised to make people’s lives simpler often results
in making them to live more complicated lives. Of course, there is no doubt in
the opinion that technology has had positive effects on our simpler and better
lives. However, it is generally acknowledged that we have also suffered from
the inventions. For example, we have to focus on a variety of things
resulted from the use of the Smartphone, and learn about the complicate
techniques. The two ideas stated below can be convincing evidence to
support my view. (이유들을 소개하세요. This is because…)
Most
importantly, technology developed in order to make people’s lives
simpler sometimes makes them more complicated. This is because by using
inventive products such as Smartphone, people have to concern about so many
things that they never regarded before. People nowadays are likely to use smart
devices in order to communicate with the world. This enables them to have
convenient lives since we can easily and simply talk to others through the
convenient devices. By using them, for instance, we can share our daily
lives, current thinking with other people everywhere.(반대 의견에 대한 디테일이 많습니다.) However, it also makes people to concern about so many
things. For example, we have to pay attention to our bosses’
celebration days, and colleagues’ congratulation
parties. This is because we can know everything about them through the smart
world. Moreover, we should highly care about whether we always carry the
expensive devices or not. This also bothers us. Consequently, technology makes us
(our lives) so complicated, and thus people nowadays become
weary caused by too much stress.
In addition, although technology makes people’s lives
simpler, but it also brings stressful work to us. What I mean is that people
should use the technology so that they acquire an outcompeting (competitive) advantage over
other candidates in a job market. People nowadays face fierce competitions
since there are too many job applicants with a lack of job openings. As a
result, it has become extremely difficult for people to find suitable and
rewarding jobs. Thus, in order to (be) desirable applicants and find success in
their future career, people have to learn the technology such as the Word
processor, Excel, or even Photoshop. Even though people are not major in the computer
science, they should have the techniques to use the inventions. This also makes
us to become stressful. According to a renowned professor, it is evident
that people can attain the suitable jobs in a much more effectual way if they
learn most of the techniques to use inventive software, since our society
requires them. He also goes on to say that it brings us to become complicated
and exhausted. Likewise, his statement proves that my argument is
persuasive.
Taking all of these reasons into consideration, we should agree
with the idea since people should (have) more concerns about many
things and become stressful with the technology. Even though there are
advantages of emerging the technology, there are some negative effects that
people’s lives become more complicated. Needless to say, it is beyond doubt
that technology even invented to make people’s lives
simpler often results in more complicated lives.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 표현력이 우수합니다.
문법 오류 많이 없었고 어색한 표현도 없습니다. 그러나,
각 본론에 문단에서 반대 의견에 대한 디테일이 많습니다. 생략하세요. 설득력을 줄입니다. 서론에서는 예시를 설명하지 마세요. 도입 후 바로 글쓴이의 입장을 표현하고 이유들을 간단히 소개하세요. 서론에서도
이유들을 요약한 후 맺음말로 의견을 다시 표현하면 됩니다. 문장을 길게 쓰는 경향이 있습니다. 글의 흐름 맞게 문장을 구성해주세요.