Some people argue that advice from grandparents is
useless for grandchildren who have adapted to the present society. However, in
my opinon (opinion), advice from grandparents is useful for
grandchildren for the following reason (reasons). First, grandchildren
can broaden their perspective (perspective) through listening to their
(grandparents) advice.
-한 문장에 주체가 여러 명일 때는 해당 주체를 명확히 해야 합니다. 마지막 같은 경우는 손자들이 주어인데 문장 뒤에 충고를 주는 주체는 조부모님들이므로 명확히 다른 주체이기 때문에 정확히 누군지 명시해야 합니다.
-또한 의견이 하나 일 경우에는 굳이 first라는 표현을 쓸 필요가 없습니다. First는 여러 가지 의견들이 있을 경우에 순서대로 설명하기 위해 사용합니다.
First of all, advice from grandparents can serve
various life experiences and lessons which are hardly acquired by other
activities. In the identical social and environmental cirmcumstances
(circumstances nowadays), people generally have relatively familiar and similar
views and experiences learned through formalized education. However, by getting
advice from various people, especially the elders, grandchildren can
obtain more refreshing ideas and thoughts. At this moment, I would like
to talk about my experience (for example). Recently, I visited my grandmother's
house. I had an opportunity to have a conversation with her. We discussed about
how lifestyle have changed from her generation to mine. She said that in the
past, women were only allowed to stay at home, and were never educated.
However, nowadays women's status improved than ever before. While talking about
this, she told me that the society has become more equal with decline in
discrimination. As I am (was) a student, she told me that I should also
study hard to gain a high social status. By making a comparison between the
past and the present, her advice was partical (practical) and necessary for me to
concentrate on my study. Therefore, this proves how advice from grandparents are
(can be) important for young.
In conclusion, interaction between grandparents
and grandchildren is always good for the reason stated above. In this regard, I
fully disagree with the statement provided.
Grade : Fair (18-23)
Overall Comment : 먼저 주장을 뒷받침하는 의견이 하나만 서술되어 있어서 전반적으로 내용이 부족합니다. 또한 기본적인 스펠링 실수와 문장 안에서 나타내는 주체 표현, 시제 등 문법적인 부분이 보완할 점들이 있습니다. 에세이 첨삭을 받고, 그 뒤에 나온 조언에 따라 공부하신 뒤 다시 같은 에세이를 쓰시는 연습을 해보시기 바랍니다. 또한 주장에서 벗어나는 이야기로 새지 않도록 항상 너무 많은 이야기 또는 연관되는 이야기를 하기 보다는 일반적인 핵심만 정확히 설정한 뒤 개인적인 경험을 덧붙여서 전개해 나가시길 바랍니다.
|
Some people argue that advice from grandparents is useless for grandchildren who have adapted to the present society. However, in my opinon, advice from grandparents is useful for grandchildren for the following reason. First, grandchildren can broaden their perspecitve through listening to their advice.
First of all, advice from grandparents can serve various life experiences and lessons which are hardly acquired by other activities. In the identical social and environmental cirmcumstances, people generally have relatively familiar and similar views and experiences learned through formalized education. However, by getting advice from various people, especially the elders, grandchildren can obtain more refreshing ideas and thoughts. At this moment, I would like to talk about my experience. Recently, I visited my grandmother's house. I had an opportunity to have a conversation with her. We discussed about how lifestyle have changed from her generation to mine. She said that in the past, women were only allowed to stay at home, and were never educated. However, nowadays women's status improved than ever before. While talking about this, she told me that the society has become more equal with decline in discrimination. As I am a student, she told me that I should also study hard to gain a high social status. By making a comparison between the past and the present, her advice was partical and necessary for me to concentrate on my study. Therefore, this proves how advice from grandparents are important for young.
In conclusion, interaction between grandparents and grandchildren is always good for the reason stated above. In this regard, I fully disagree with the statement provided. |
|