It is debatable whether in order to become financially responsible adults,
children should learn to manage their own money at a young age. This is
an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be
different relying on (depending on) the individual (individual’s)
perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support (the idea) that children should
learn to manage their own money at a young age for the following reasons.
First of all, children should learn to manage their own money because it
brings about economic benefits. To be specific, learning about way (how)
to manage money gives a chance to acquire financial concepts, which as a result
allows children to secure (manage) financial stability. It is undeniable
in modern society that financial concepts are an important source for children to
maintain a (in) living. For example, when I was young,er my friend
Ceolsu learned about financial concepts by (from) his parents. 1) So
as Ceolsu saved money he could have financial stability. Through
this (his) experience, I have realized that it is necessary for children
to learn about financial education (at an early age). Hence, children should
learn about the way to manage their own money.
Ceolsu was able to
save up money and eventually he could manage to have a good financial status. -같은 말의 반복과 한국식 표현을 지양해주세요
In addition, it can broaden their perspectives for children to learn
about the way to manage their own money because children learn about the way to
manage money first. To illustrate, children can learn about adult`s money
of concepts (concept about money) since they learn about the way to
handle money by adult. So as children are growing (grow) up they can
have (a good
) financial plan in the future. For instance, when I was younger,
as I was given pocket money my parents taught me to save the money and then
I could learn about saving money. So as I gave my parents present,
and I could attain a financial plan. Through this experience, I have realized
that financial education is necessary for children at a young age. Hence,
children should learn about financial education as a child.
-첫 문장에서 주장이 명확하게
보이지 않습니다. 첫번째로 돈에 대해서 배울 수 있다는 표현은 주제에 맞는 주장이라고 볼 수 없습니다.
-또한 같은 표현과 첫
번째 주장과 겹치는 형식의 내용을 쓰지 않도록 주의해주세요
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic
has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Grade : Limited (0-17)
Overall Comment : 정확한 표현 방법과 한 문장 내에서
주어 동사가 일치하는지 문법적으로 옳게 작성하는 방법을 익히셔야 합니다. 또한 한 주장에 대한 두 가지
밑받침 근거를 작성할 시에는 명확하게 구분되는 두 가지의 아이디어를 제시해야 합니다. 또한 결론 역시
너무 vague한 내용 말고 정확히 내가 말하고자 하는 주장과 근거에 대해서 서머리하고 결론 지어야
합니다.
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