▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
relationship with others plays a crucial role in people’s daily lives
in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that it is
impossible to mingle well with people from different backgrounds, while others
do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had
to choose one, I would say that becoming friends with people who have different
interests and beliefs is not only possible but also has various advantages.
There are several reasons as follows. To begin with, if people mingle
well with others from different backgrounds, they can improve their work
performance. Interacting with diverse people requires them to be diligent,
passionate, and self-disciplined. <- why?? When such personal traits are developed, it is
likely to bring a better result in their job. For example, Tokyo University
found a huge difference between two groups of young adults in work performance.
One group consisted of those who have many friends who have diverse
backgrounds, and the other group was made up of those who have not diverse
friends. The researchers found that the former was likely to have a higher
score on the SAT than the latter. In particular, they showed a longer attention
span, a stronger passion in their tasks, and a better ability to delay
gratification. On the other hand, the second group tended to get distracted
easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. This implies that having diverse
friends is the key to success, academically, as well as professionally. Without
broad relationships one would fall behind. <- 핵심적인 내용이 없어요. 왜
/ 어떻게 improve work performance 하나요? 결과만 보여주는 에세이 는 안좋습니다. On top of that, when people
mingle well with people from different interests and beliefs, it exposes them
to different lifestyles, customs, and cultures. Such exposures is likely to
help them to acknowledge that different values exist, to understand this
diversity and to ultimately be comfortable with it. <- why is this important? For instance, when I
way eight years old, I saw one of my classmates who came from Ethiopia eating
his meal with bare hands. I felt very uncomfortable by his behavior because it
was my first time seeing someone like that. I kept my distance from him and
sometimes made fun of him. However, after spending a weekend with some of my
African friends in my sports club, I got used to this cultural difference. I
realized that we had a lot in common in a way that we all cared about our
family and friends, were committed to relationships, and got easily hurt by
what others say. After that, I no longer feel awkward and can make friends with
them. All
things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of making friends
with people from different interests and beliefs has far outweighed those of
its disadvantages for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the
importance of relationships cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of success
in life. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment: Body 2 idea
좋습니다. Body 1 은 내용이 없습니다. 너무 template 에 의존하고,
example 도 너무 식상해요. 본인의견을 에세이에 넣어주세요. Why? How? 에 대한 설명이 있어야 되고, essay 도 식상한
결과만 보여주기식 보다는, 왜 이러한 결과 차이가 났는지 설명 해주셔야 됩니다. |