▶ Your Answer :
Certainly, a technology plays a significant role
in people’s lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people
think that mobile phones have offered more freedom to people, while others do
not. Both sides have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked
to choose one, I would agree that Cellphones have provided more freedom to
people. These are the reasons as follows. To begin with,
people have gotten more freedom by diminishing work hours and efforts. Mobile
phones are equipped with many functions that help people work more accurately
and efficiently. When these functions are used well, people can spend more time
on taking a break. <- 어떤 feature 인지 조금 더 elaborate
해주세요. According to the research conducted
at Harvard University, there were huge differences between two groups of young
adults. One group consisted of those who used functions of mobile phones such
as searching and message while they worked, and the other group was made up of
those who never used mobile phones at their work. The researchers found that
the former group finished their jobs earlier and had higher annual income than
the latter. It means that using mobile phones improve the work efficiency.
Without it, people would fall behind. In addition, mobile
phones have helped people mingle well with others from different backgrounds. Using
mobile phones expose people to experience something that are different from
what they would do in their usual routine. Such exposures help people to
acknowledge that different values exist, to understand diversity and ultimately
to be comfortable with it. <- why? Applications? Social media? 설명 더 해주세요. For example, when
I was six years old, I saw one of my classmates from Ethiopia eating his meals
with his bare hands. I felt uncomfortable with it because it was my first time
seeing someone like that. I kept my distance from him and made fun of him.
However, after I used my cell phone’s SNS -> social
media which helped me to meet diverse people from other cultures, I
got used to different cultures. I realized that we had a lot in common in a way
that we all cared about our friends and family and got easily hurt by what
others say. I no longer feel awkward and can keep in touch with them. All things considered, the advantages of mobile phones far
outweigh the disadvantages of that in terms of people’s
freedom, for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of
mobile phones could not be overestimated in people’s
lives. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: Idea 와 flow 는 좋습니다. 아쉬운 점은 설명 부분이
부족해요. Body 1 에서는 핸드폰의 어떤 기능 때문에 일을 효과적으로 끝낼수 있는지 설명 해주세요. Body 2 에서는 어떤 feature 덕분에 socialize 할 수 있었는지 배경 설명 해주세요.
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