▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that mobile phones have given
people more than freedom. However, in my opinion, it causes
people to live a restricted
life more than before. This is because mobile phones make people use their time
to mobile phones and allow people to be monitor with each other.
To
begin with, mobile phones make people use their time to mobile phones
<- 어색합니다. To be specific, these days, most of people
have mobile phones on their pockets and they spend most of their time using
their mobile phones by waiting whether messages from other people have arrived.
It prevents us from using our time freely. As a result, mobile phones cause
people not to focus on other works freely. <- 핸드폰을 많이 해서 시간을
활용 못한다 보다는, 필요 이상으로 중독성, 금단현상 등
이야기 하면서 시간을 굉장히 많이 소비 한다 라는 식으로 쓰는게 더 설득력 있을거 같네요. A
study conducted by National Seoul University showed that mobile phones make
people use to their time to mobile phone. The researcher tracked people who
have used mobile phone and those who did not. What they found was that people
who have used mobile phone tended to have restricted time rather than those who
did not. The reason is that they always should check their mobile phones, and
it makes them not attempt other works or not concentrate. The study has
shown that cell phones make it impossible to use their time
freely.
On top of that, mobile phones allow people to monitor with each other. So they can
not behave freely more than before mobile phones are produced. By emerging
mobile phones, many people can be the person who delivers their events and
opinions quickly. It makes it more difficult to act freely because we always
worry about hidden eyes that can monitor our behavior and can evaluate our
behavior. <- 설명 더 해주세요. 어떻게
monitor 하는지 배경 설명 해주세요.
I know this from my personal experience. when I was younger, there was no
mobile. people only can monitor other people by using their eyes. So I was
careful just when I was with other people. However, after inventing mobile
phones, because of broaden monitoring coverage, I always felt that the
condition that I can act freely is confined. <- 어떤 monitoring 이야기 하는것인가요? As a result, I could not do what I wanted. I
felt that my freedom was confined.
To sum up, mobile phones make people use their
time to mobile phones and allow people to monitor with each other. For these
reasons, I do not think that mobile phones have given people more freedom.
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: 전체적으로 어색한 문법 구절 많아요. 문법 공부 꼭 해주세요. Body 1 에서는 핸드폰 을 사용 하는 시간 때문에 시간이 부족하다 라는 논리 보다는, 필요 이상으로 중독성으로 인한 시간의 비효율적 활용 에 대한 이야기 가 더 좋을거 같네요. Body 2 에서는 어떤 monitoring system 이야기
하는것이고, 이것이 어떻게 내 사생활을 침해 하는지 설명 해주세요.
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