▶ Your Answer :
Some people
think that it is better to let children grow up in the big cities. However, in
my opinion, I think that letting children grow up in the rural areas has more
advantages than the big city. This is because rural areas are healthier
environments than the cities, and children that live in rural areas can feel
less stress than children in the city. To begin with, rural areas are much healthier places than
big cities. This is
because there is not much transportation and buildings. Because there are less
of these, there is less exhaust in the air, which harms our lungs and our body.
Also, because there are few edifices in the rural areas, children can have a wide range of vision, and help preserve
their eyesight. <- 무슨말인가요? These situations help our body stay in a healthy
condition, enabling us to use our body for a longer time. For example, I used
to live in the city with my family. Because of my brother’s and my eyesight, our family decided
to move to the rural areas. From that day since, there has been no rapid decrease
in eyesight in both my brother or me. <- eyesight 말고 오히려 통게자료가 좋을거 같아요. 도심<->외곽
의 오염지수 등. On top of
that, children that live in rural areas
feel less stress than children that live in big cities. This is because
there are few apartments and vehicles in the rural parts. Unlike city children,
who are constantly exposed to bright lights and loud noises, rural children
sleep undisturbed because there are few of the objects mentioned above in rural
areas. For instance, I had trouble sleeping in cities, because there were
always voices and car headlights coming through my window. Every morning, I
would wake up in a cranky mood. But after I moved to the rural areas, I fell
asleep very easily, and I do not feel cranky in the morning. <- stress 보다는 소음공해/disturbance 에 대한 이야기 해주는게 좋을거 같아요. To sum up,
rural areas give more health benefits to children than cities, and children can
feel less stress when living in rural areas. In this regard, I agree that it is
more advantageous for children to grow up in rural areas than in big cities. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Fair (17-23)
Overall Comment: Idea 는 좋습니다. Body 1 에서는 example 로
전문적인 통계 수치 활용 했으면 좋았을 거 같아요. Body 2 에서는 stress 라는 main idea 보다, 소음공해, bad air 등 중심으로 이야기 해주시는게 주제와 더
알맞은거 같아요. |