▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that parents must have strict rules if they want their children to achieve success on -> in life. because
people feel the most important main factor of success is coming from parents’ strict rule. (repetitive 합니다) However, in my opinion, for children’s success, sports as important as strict rules 무슨말인가요?
문법적으로 어색 for two reasons:
to receive good health and a sense of responsibility.
To
begin with, physical activities allow children to success. This is because a
good physical is one of the main factors of success. Thus, they can reduce
their stress with participate in athletic activities to maintain their health.
In other words, if they should continue studying under the parents’ restrict rules, they are easily
stressed out. Moreover, stress is one of the main factors of diseases through
weakening immune system. According to a study conducted by Seoul National
University of Korea in 2007, a test on mice showed that life span was shortened
when they regularly underwent electronic shocks. Interestingly, the researchers
found a link between this and human being who suffered periodic stress. This
implies that high stress levels coming from lack of exercise had a negatively
affect people, resulting in lower life span.
On
top of that, sport activities play a significant role in improving children’s a sense of responsibility that leads
to their success. This is because, sport games require responsibilities, such
as arriving on time, meeting times, observing regulations, managing schedules
wisely, and completing their assignments. According to a study conducted by
National Youth Leader Council, students who engaging in sport team do better
academically than their peers who do not participate in sport team. This is
because they know how to handle their multiple tasks and studies, and they
managed their time very well. On the whole, students who juggle physical
activities and school are more mature and equipped to more success. This is not
stretched far as education.
To
sum up, athletic activities are good for children’s success on life to promote health as well enhance
opportunity for social skills, which are the most important factors of life
successes. In this regard, I believe that parents must not have strict rules if
they want their children success on life in order to ensure children’s future success.
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment: 글 전체적으로 Off-topic 이에요. Sports 의
장단점에 대한 글을 쓰는게 아닙니다. Strict rules 의 장단점에 쓰셔야 합니다. 주제에서 아예 벗어난 point 들을 잡으시면 채점을 할 수 가
없습니다. 다음부터는 문제를 꼭 파악 하시고, point 잡아주시길
바랍니다. |