Some people think the advice given by grandparents grand parents to their grandchildren is less useful in modern society. However I think advice from grandparents grand parents is essential in these days. 문단 나눠주세요 First, grandparents they have experienced many relationship. In other words, they have met many people and they know wise manner to people. 이 내용이 '오늘날에도' 도움이 된다는 점을 논증할 수 있어야 합니다. 현재 설명은 단순히 조부모님들이 무엇을 알고 있는지 설명하는 데 불과합니다. For example, when I fought with my friends, my grandparents gave give me a advice about relationship. It was impressive but at that time I didn't want to get along with those friends. that friend. But when I recall that memory I think I must have been generous. Because there are many good memories memory about this my friends. So I believe their grandparents' experience has have a lot of value and I must accept that advice. 문단 나눠주세요 Second, grandparents they are older than me. 조부모의 조언이 오늘날에도 도움이 되는지 묻는 문제에서 '조부모는 나보다 나이가 많다'라는 fact를 제시하는 것은 논점에 맞지 않습니다. In other words, In Korea there is culture about Confucianism. So in buiness it is important thing to get along with the elderly in a company or any other society. To the specific, in Korea it is important to act politely to elderly. Grandparents are elder people person and if I accept their thought it is good for my career if I meet an elder person at buisness. For example, I have a meeting for business buisness and that is important chance to continue the company. If the boss of a partner company is an elder person good manner for an elder person is very important at that time. And if there are some rival companies company very little manner becomes important thing in buiness. Moreover polite habit is not made for a day so we have to learn every day this manner. So I belive it is important to accept advice of an elderly person in these days. off-topic. 문단 나눠주세요 To sum up, grandparents have a lot of experience about relationship and give me some knowledge about politeness. So their advice is useful to their grandchildren in these days.
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글이 에세이 형식을 갖출 수 있도록 서론/본론/결론의 문단 구분을 명확히 해주세요. 단순히 조부모님에 대한 글을 쓰는 것이 아니라 '그들의 조언이 오늘날에도 유용한가'에 대한 주장을 제시해야 합니다. 어떤 점에서 조언이 오늘날에도 유용한지를 좀 더 생각해서 주장을 정리해주세요. 논점이 맞지 않는 내용은 가장 큰 감점요인이므로 유의해야 합니다. 오탈자나 수일치 관련 문법오류가 많은 편이니 이 부분도 신경써서 검토해주시면 글을 improve하는 데 도움이 되실 거예요~ 수고 많으셨습니다. ^^