▶ Your Answer :
Various opinions may exist over the
argument whether the more money a person has, the more he or she should give
away to charities. As far as I am concerned, I am in complete agreement with
the argument. The two ideas stated below can be a valid evidence to support my
view. First of all, there is no wonder donation is beneficial <- 어색합니다. to make the better world. In the rapidly changing environment
of science and economy, the gap between the rich and poor has become extremely
severe. Certainly, even though the number of people who make a lot of money has
increased, the gap between the rich and poor gets worse. In order to narrow the
gap, people who make more money than the average people should participate
in donation more actively and care about the poor. According to a renowned
sociologist, affluence is concentrated on only 3 percent people. He argues that
if the upper class people share their profits just 10 percent, the gap between
the rich and poor can alleviate readily. Likewise, his statement proves that my
argument is convincing. <- 설명 부분 수정 해주세요. 단지 빈부격차가 있기 때문에, 돈많이 벌면 기부를 해야 된다 라는
논리는 설득력이 부족해요. Example 내용 처럼, 3% 의
부자들에게 많은 부가 있으면 다양한 사회문제가 일어 날 수 있다. 파업/범죄/국가경쟁력 저하 등 이렇기 때문에 기부 해야된다 라고 써주세요. 빈부격차가 해소되야 하는 ‘이유’
를 써주세요. On top of that, people can gain emotional rewards by donating to charities. Many
people are forced to lead highly scheduled lives as the world become more
competitive and fast-paced than ever. Consequently, most people are not able to
have some time to think about others in need, even themselves. Participating in
donation can be a best and wisest way to feel satisfaction about myself. For
example, my uncle works a company that pays high salaries. He always has to work
until midnight and sometimes goes to work even weekend. To make matters worse,
he gets exhausted coping with his bosses and subordinates. However, by helping
many charities, he recieves letters regularly from Africa children who are
helped from him. Even if it is only for a short time, whenever he reads the
letters, he feels lively and temporarily forgets about problems at his work. As
such, people can get massive emotional happiness by donating their money. Example
내용은 삼촌이 voluntarily
편지를 주는 이야기 입니다. Should 는 강제성이 있는것입니다. 강제적으로 부유한 사람들이 기부하면 emotional reward 를
느끼지는 않을거 같아요. Taking all of these reasons into consideration,
we should agree with this argument that the more money a person has, the more
he or she should give away to charities since donation is beneficial to make
better world and people can get happier by giving away their money. Needless to
say, there is no doubt in my opinion that donating is helpful both people who
are helped and people who provide aids. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment : Body 1 에서는 더 깊게 issue 를 생각 주세요. 빈부격차가
꼭 해소되야 하는 이유 에 대해 고민 해주세요. Body 2 에서는 다른 idea 생각 해주세요. 위에 코멘트 처럼 강제적으로 기부 하면 emotional relief 를 느끼지는 않을거 같아요.
|