▶ Your Answer : Some people argue that people should not sometimes
do not need to do things that
they do not enjoy doing. However, in my opinion, this perspective is not true
for two following reasons which I am going to elaborate. First, it <-무엇인가요? can help you accumulate your experience. Second, people will get a number
of money from what?. First of all, doing hate things sometimes enables
people to gain new experience. In detail, people attain winder knowledge
and broader perspective through experience, which are the qualities of successful
person. People always learn about something form from experience, even if it seems
difficult or unenjoyable. Take Steve Jobs, for example. He is a founder of a renowned company, Apple, who was
remarkably accomplished what? in his life. He is referred to a genius and visionary by the public.
In his speeches, he repeatedly emphasized the importance of a variety of
field of experience. Such comment sounds highly convincing since he is a
well-known man of success. Therefore, I maintain that people should experience
all about things although it is they are not enjoyable.->gain new
experience가 중요하다는 것만 강조하고 있어 싫어하는 일을 함으로써 “어떠한” experience를 얻을 수 있는지에 대해 설명이 부족합니다 Also, people who had also do unenjoyable things can earn
much money than other people who did not. To be specific, money is
undeniably important in today’s materialistic society. Money is powerful since
it can provide freedom and a variety of choices. Because of its importance,
people usually admire having a lot of money. ->돈의 중요성을 설명하기 보다는,
싫어하는 것도 하는 것이 어떻게 돈을 많이 버는 데에 도움이 되는지 설명해주세요 Thus, if people do all about things regardless whether they like
or not, people can outdo others and are likely to do work more hardly harder which can be easy to take
help them earn a lot of money.
Take Warren Buffett, for example. He is a recognized CEO and an investor.
Listed among Time’s 100 Most Influential People, Buffett mentioned in an
interview that he did not avoid unenjoyable things. This can make him be
able to earn a lot of money and shape him into a successful person. ->결론이 중요한 것이 아니라, 싫어하는
것도 하는 것이 “어떻게, 왜” 성공한 사람이 되는 데에 도움을 주었는지가 중요합니다. To sum up, I strongly argue that people should have do unenjoyable things in order to
make much money. In conclusion, I believe I have accurately
demonstrated my point of view on this matter with two following reasons that
people can get not only new experience but also so much money. Since views of
life and values differ among individuals this subject will always remain
controversial. Writing 0–30 score scale Limited-Fair(13-18)
기본적인 사소한 문법실수가 많고, 동사 등이
잘못 사용된 부분들이 있습니다. 전체적으로 근거가 주제에 맞게 충분히 설명되지 않았는데, 특히 예시들이 그다지 적절해 보이지 않습니다. 핵심은 경험과 돈이
중요하다는 것이 아니라, 왜, 어째서 “하기 싫은 일도 하는 것”이 사람들에게 도움이 되는지- 이므로 이에 집중해주세요. 굳이 유명인의 사례를 드는 것보다, 상황에 적합한 본인의 경험 등을 사례로 드는 것이 훨씬 설득력있겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ |