It has been widely debated whether the ability to read and write
is more important today than in the past. I agree that the ability to readn
and write is more important today than in the old days.(표현 반복) Frist, If people have the ability to readn and
write, they can gain information in on the Internet by sending email or
searching for information. First, 라고 했다면 뒤에 second, in addition 등 다른 근거가 더 제시되어야합니다.
First and foremost, when
people using have their ability to
read and write, people can get information in on the Internet through
email and blog. Let's take a look
at the opposite side claims. They argue that the ability to read and write
is more important previously than nowadays. 반대편의 의견을 보자고 해놓고, 이에 대한 논리적 반박없이 그들의 의견은 문제가
많다-라고만 반복해서 말하는데, 이러한 말들을 전혀 의미가
없는 내용입니다. Their view may sound like a reasonable position on the surface.
Nevertheless, their analysis is mostly groundless and minimally cogent. There
exists an abundance of examples that debunks what they advocate. 불필요한 내용Included in such examples,어떤 example들인가요? my personal observation can clarify why the ability to read and
write is more important today.<-실제적으로 본인의 근거를 설명하는 부분은 한 문장이고, 그 뒤에 바로 사례가 나오고
있는데, 그 전에 근거 자체에 대한 일반적인 설명을 해준 뒤에, 이를
뒷받침하는 용도로만 사례를 제시해주세요 Last year, I
planned to travel to a city in Africa. I wanted to detailed
information about the region, so I used my ability to read
and write in on the Internet. First, I found relevant information to relevant
to the region on a person's bloge by using my ability to read. Thankfully, the Korean blogger who
lived in the region their posted every detailed information about the city. I
could read the information, so I could and get lucrative beneficial information. Also, I further wanted to get in-depth information about restaurants in Africa, and emailed
to another blogger. In the end, the blogger sent replied to an email which
announced the restaurant in Africa to me, I could have traveled.(어색한 문장, 수정필요) In the past, since they did not learn how to read and
write, they could not get information if they did not meet.<-과거엔 사람들이 읽고 쓸 줄 몰랐나요? However, today,
although they do not use oral communication, people can obtain information
in on the Internet because they post many information on a persons's
blog by using their ability to read and write. It proves that if people
have the ability to read and write, people can get information in on the Internet by sending email or
searching for information.
In conclusion, I think the ability to read and write is more
important today than in the past for the reason I have mentioned above. First,
if people have ability to read and write, people can obtain information in
on the Internet by sending email or
searching for information. First, 라고 했다면 뒤에 second, in addition 등 다른 근거가 더 제시되어야합니다.
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited(8-12)
반복되는 표현이 에세이 전반적으로 굉장히 많고, 기본적인
문법 실수나 오타들도 많으므로 이에 주의하시는 것이 중요하겠습니다. 근거가 하나만 제시되고 이를 아주
길게 쓰셨는데, 불필요한 부분들이 많고 사례를 설명하는 데에 에세이의 아주 많은 부분을 할애하고 있습니다. 좀 더 명료하게 본인의 주장에 집중하여 두 가지 이상의 근거를 제시해주는 편이 훨씬 좋습니다. 또한 사례는 본인의 근거를 뒷받침하는 용도로 사용되어야 하므로, 사례를
제시하기 전에 근거 설명을 충분히 해주시고, 사례는 간단하게 핵심만 전달해주세요. 내용적으로 근거의 설득력도 떨어지는데, 그래서 왜 과거보다 읽고 쓰는 능력이 더 중요한지 (과거보다 (인터넷 등에) 더 많은 정보들이 있기 때문인가요? 과거에는 직접 말로 전달 가능했는데 이제는 말보다 글이 더 중요해졌나요?) 명확하게
제시해줄 필요가 있겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^