Some people think that it is unfair that a teacher’s earnings should be based on his or her students’ performance. However, in my opinion, it is a good idea that a teacher’s teachers’ earnings should be different according to their students’ performance. This is because it can motivate teachers to take care of students about their work and the it can stimulate to develop their teaching methods. To begin with, providing teachers’ more wage according to students’ performance is makes it able to motivate teachers to take care of not some students who have excellent ability about academic field but(불필요하게 문장이 너무 길어집니다.) all students. To be specific, a majorities majority of people do not tend to work intensely unless they are given a special compensation. Thus, these surrounding that gets giving them chances to gain additional wage makes them do their best. It means that the chances to get additional wage helps teachers take care of all students.(앞서 했던 말을 그대로 반복할 필요는 없습니다.) There is a proper example about this situation.(불필요하게 장황합니다.) For example, when I was in middle school, my friend’s school had many problem students who cause problems. To change their (누구?) mind, the school started to give additional wage to teachers if their class’ average performance improved was higher than before. However, in order to get high average performance, it was necessary to persuade such problem students to study. So their teachers consulted with the students about their troubles. It made students revise their mind. As a result, they tried to get high score on tests, and the teachers could gain additional wage. On top of that, having different wage according to students’ performance can stimulate to develop their teaching methods. This is because the teachers maybe want to gain high wage, and they will struggle to develop good teaching methods that can help students learn well easily. I know this from my personal experience. For example, When I was in high school, the school’s reputation was decided by to how many students enroll in great got accepted to top-rank universities. So, in order to attain good reputation, my school started to provide the teachers with additional wage if they made their students’ performance increase improve. Inevitably, most of the teachers tried to develop excellent teaching skill and worried about how to increase improve their student’s students. As a result, these worries and good teaching skills were a positive influence on my high school and my high school could have good reputation. This story is strong proof that giving different wages makes teachers try to develop their teaching skills. To sum up, providing teacher’s teachers different wages according to students’ performance is able to motivate teachers to take care of not some students but all students and stimulate to develop their teaching skills. For these reasons, I think that a teacher’s earnings should be based on his or her students’ performance. Writing 0-30 scale Fair(20-23) 주장을 세우고 두 가지 point를 잘 정했습니다. 하지만 각 point를 뒷받침하는 문단이 난잡하고 부실해보입니다. 오히려 불필요한 문장을 제거하면 훨씬 간결하면서도 탄탄해질 수도 있습니다. 문장이나 표현이 불필요하게 장황해지면 문단의 통일성을 해치거나 완성도를 떨어뜨립니다. 또, 대명사를 쓸 때에는 앞선 문장들에서 가리키는 대상이 명확히 드러나는지를 반드시 확인하고 써야 합니다. 영어는 관사(a, an, the)가 중요한 언어입니다. 어떤 경우에 어떤 관사를 붙이고 어떤 경우에 붙이지 않는지를 확인해보세요.
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