Though the intense argument is possible on the topic, I strongly agree with the idea that it is more beneficial for children to have jobs that are similar to those of their parents than have different jobs from their parents' jobs. Of course, there are some negative effects of having similar jobs with their parents' jobs. However, even though some disadvantages exist, there are things that children can benefit from choosing similar jobs with their parents. This is because while growing up with observing certain aspects of the jobs, they can uncover potentials and enhance their insights to the jobs. The two ideas stated below can be convincing evidences to support my view.
Most importantly, by observing and learning the aspects to their parents' jobs, children can enhance their insights about the jobs them. While growing up, they can easily be immersed by certain (?) types of knowledge about the jobs. The problem of this is that the knowledge is conveyed with certain (?) viewpoints of sources, leading them to be biased without having any chances to broaden their perspectives. In this point, while watching the certain jobs' aspects from their parents, children can gain well-balanced views to the jobs. They also easily become advised about the advantages and disadvantages of the jobs from their parents. If they have similar jobs to those of the parents, they can easily adapt in the jobs, since they already have alright (?) views to the jobs. This explains why it is better for children to have similar jobs to their parents. According to a renowned professor (누구? 이런 식의 인용은 무의미합니다.), it is evident that children can attain the goal of success in a much more effectual way if they have similar jobs to their parents. He also goes on to say that it is more time-consuming and difficult for them to succeed when they have different jobs to their parents. Likewise, his statement proves that my argument is persuasive. (누군지도 모를 익명의 인용에 지나치게 기대어 설득력을 구하고자 하고 있지는 않나요?)
In addition, observing the jobs to their parents' jobs enables children to uncover potential benefits. Children nowadays are forced to lead highly scheduled lives as the world becomes more contentious and fast-paced than ever. Consequently, they are likely to delve into issues, from which they can substantially benefit. In this context, children can easily develop their potentials to the similar jobs to their parents. This is because, while growing up, they are usually observe the certain (?) aspects to the jobs and they can easily find out what needs to be improved for making better performances (어린 나이에 부모님을 보는 것만으로 정말 그것이 가능한가요?). This means that they already have great potentials in order to succeed in the same fields with their parents. According to a study conducted by Harvard University, two thirds of the surveyed respondents answered that it was very helpful to have the similar job to their parents, because they could learn how they should be in the jobs by observing their parents' lives. They also stated that if it had not been for the observation, they could not have succeeded in their current jobs. (너무 모호해서 설득력을 부여하기 어려운 인용입니다.) Therefore, I definitely believe that it is better for children to choose the same jobs to their parents.
Taking all of these reasons into consideration, we should agree with the idea, since children can enhance their insights and find out the great potentials to the jobs, if they choose similar jobs to their parents’ jobs. Even though there are some negative effects to have the same jobs, children can get much more benefits from choosing the similar jobs to their parents. Needless to say, there is no doubt in my opinion that choosing the type of jobs can benefit our future.
Writing 0-30 scale
Good(25-27)
영어 구사 수준 측면에서는 크게 흠잡을 데가 없는 깔끔한 글입니다.단, 일부 단어의 쓰임이 어색하거나 불명확한 경우가 있습니다. (본문에 표시해 두었습니다.)
인용과 예시는 주장에 근거를 제공해서 설득력을 얻고자 활용하는 것임을 항상 염두에 두세요. 본문의 각 문단은 각각 하나의 topic sentence를 핵으로 해서, 문단의 모든 문장이 그것을 논리적으로 지지하고 발전시켜야 합니다.