▶ Your Answer :
Some people think
that doing work by hand is better than doing work with a machine. However, in
my opinion, I think that machines are way better than working with hand. Using
machines is more efficient than employing many people, and machines make almost
no mistakes while humans make many mistakes. To begin with, machines benefit us economically. Machines can do a lot more work in shorter time than
many people working simultaneously. If factory owners were to bring in many
machines, they would be able to cut down on the money needed to pay the workers
in the factory. Also, it would cost less to buy these products because it cost
less to produce these products. To feed more workers, factories had to increase
their price, but with machines, high prices are unnecessary. For example,
during the industrialization period of England, many machines were brought in
to factories. Due to this change, factory owners could produce more products
than they ever had, such as more thread. Also, factories were able to lessen
the amount of money that went in to paying the employees that worked in the
factory, and lessen the cost of products. On top of that, machines perform their tasks exactly and
precisely, while humans make mistakes. Machines are programmed to work in precision, and they
always create perfect products that the factory owner wants. Meanwhile, humans
have a certain limit to their perfection, and may make mistakes. For instance,
Swiss creates handmade watches that have good quality. Because they are
handmade, these watches are expensive, and take a long time to build. However,
in the U.S, people -> manufacturers use machines to create watch parts, and put them
together. This creates watches with a similar quality to the Swiss watches at a
lower price and in shorter time. <- example 은 efficiency 에 대한 이야기 같아요. Topic sentence 에 맞게, precision/mistake 와
관련 있는 예시 찾아주세요. To sum up, machines
can reduce many costs in a factory, can and complete any task given to them
with precision, and exactness. In this regard, I agree that it is better to let
a machine do the work instead of leaving it to a human employee’s hands. Writing 0-30 Score
Scale Good (24-30) Overall Comment: Essay 전체적으로 organized 되어 있고, flow 가 좋아요. 글 잘 쓰셨습니다. 아쉬운 점은 Body
2 example 이 주제와 연관성이 떨어집니다. 위에 코멘트 참고 해주세요. Example 만 수정 해주시면 모범적인 답안이 나올 거 같아요!
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