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To begin with, it can be beneficial to immune system.
While many consider that solving health issues is better alternatives to
improve immune system, we cannot deny the fact that most of the health problems
or degrading immune system derived from environmental problems such as air
pollution because people are not able to participate in outdoors sports or
activities. So, it is hard for them to recover their immune system. For
example, my cousin used to (use the) computer in house
all day and she were not able to enjoy outdoors activities because of air
pollution. Her immune system was severe more and more(became more
worse). The government recognized this problem (worldwide) and they
invested in removing air pollution. Before long, the air quality improved and
her immune system was stronger. This proves to us that solving environmental
problems is vital that building a bright future.
On top of that, to strengthen my viewpoint, it is a great
way for people to relieve stress. This is because bad environmental conditions
do not provide a perfect opportunity for individuals to stress relief by
interacting with others and playing sports outside which means it cannot help
people forget about their stress. In addition, a well-known professor of Seoul
National University published an editorial in his field and as a result, his
study supported my view. He said that these days, many people would get a lot
of stress from work or school and they have to reduce stress through outdoor
activities because fresh air and plants in good environmental conditions help
people to relieve their mind effectively. He concluded his study by saying that
solving environmental problems is essential for people to cure their mental
health problems by decreasing stress.
In conclusion, I strongly argue that my standpoints of the
two reasons are sufficiently convincing. In this regard, I agree with a
given statement because solving environmental problems contributes to improve
immune system and to relieve stress.
Writing 0-30 Score
Scale
Limited (0-16)
Overall Comment: 이유들과 주제들을 잘 연결했고 글쓴이의
의견을 잘 표현했습니다. 그러나, 서론이 없습니다. 서론을 구성하세요. (도입-글쓴이의
입장) 결론에서는 이유들이 설득력 있다고 표현하지 마세요. 문장을
불필요하게 길게 쓰는 경향이 있습니다. 이유가 비슷합니다.
(environmental problems increase immunity and helps stress) 다른 이유를 선택하세요. 문장 길이를 다양하게 구성하세요.